Thursday, June 30, 2011

day 6

not one single tear was shed today. it felt good. however, you still consumed my every thought. my lips long to sweep across yours. my heart still aches but life will go on. i am aware of that. i try not to miss you, but there is no denying you were my life.
last night i was lonely and did something that i didn't really want to, but i needed a distraction. i contacted b. you know with him, i never know how the conversation will go. sometimes (usually) he builds me up with the nicest and most sincere compliments and makes me feel beautiful and desirable. other times he gets his little jabs in but tonight i figured it was worth the risk. anything to get my mind off you dear tj. b and i text 3 or so times and then my phone rang. it was him. i should've been so happy. last year i got so excited when he'd call...but that was all before you. the entire conversation i just kept wishing he were you. that it was your voice i was hearing. that is was your jokes i was listening to. but he's not. no one is. regardless of me hoping and wishing it were you, it was still nice to talk to someone.
the conversation was the good kind. he complimented me over and over and shared how strong his feelings had been for me. i needed that last night. after staring at her beautiful pictures and feeling so inadequate it built me up a little.
i realized God really is looking out for me. he doesn't want me to be so hard on myself. he knows that i can get a bit extreme. he sends people like b and others to help me stay afloat. my friend at work sent me this text when he left "such an attractive woman! makes it really hard for me to focus. owww-owww!!" See god knew today was hard for me. he doesn't want me to crash all the way. he looks out for this girl.
this afternoon i took off work early to get the final divorce papers filed from j. didn't happen. j has to file something before they will take anything from me...such a mess. but good news was that i still had so much time in my afternoon. i decided to take the kids to the movies. i was so excited to do this with them until we got there. you are the only person i ever went to the movies with. as we walked in memories of you flooded my mind. i was scared that i'd see you...with her. it was very unlikely considering the time of day, but one can't help but still be afraid. every girl i saw i had the urge to stare at to see if it was her. i was constantly looking over my shoulder. i dread that day when i see you two together. it will be awful.
a confession:
this afternoon i called you, you didn't surprise me by not answering, but what did surprise me was when you returned the call. i put on my happy voice, which wasn't really forced, i really was in an upbeat mood....maybe because you were calling me back. i lied, i told you i had accidentally called, apologized and tried to get off the phone quickly. your voice wasn't the happy tj that i know. it was soft with a hint of sadness. i asked if you were ok and then had to quickly get off the phone when you said you were. your voice, just the sound of it made me ache for you. i just wanted to hold you, listen as you told me about your day, and then snuggle up on your shoulder as we drifted off to dreamland.
i must admit, a part of me was happy or relieved that i didn't hear complete happiness in your voice. i'll be honest, i don't want you to be happy with her. i want to make you happy.
as i got myself into bed tonight i had a strong feeling that you do miss me. i'm certain it's just my high hopes, and if by some chance i can feel something that you feel, i'm sure it's just guilt. if that is the case i don't want you to feel guilty. if it wasn't there anymore for you, it wasn't. you can't feel guilty about that.
a truck just drove done my street. everytime i hear a vehicle, my insides get all twisted and full of hope that it's you. coming to hold me. to apologize. to tell me it's over with her. that i am the one you love.
each time i pull in my driveway i wish so badly that i'll see your truck in front of the garage. but it never is. which i truly believe is for the best.
my friend was listening to me cry the other night and pour out my feelings. she reminded me that every person comes into our life for a reason, to teach us something and once that is accomplished we can part paths. i believe this with my entire soul, however i just can't bring myself to terms with it just yet. i don't want to believe that all those feelings i had for you were just for this time, it felt like so much more. i don't want to believe it's entirely over. truth is, i believe to my core it isn't. my family and friends will call me crazy...tell me that i just need to accept the fact that it's over and move on, but they don't know what is inside, they don't know about all those "weird" things we had happen together.
when d told me our marriage was over i knew deep in my heart he was right. the pain was unbearable at times but there was no denying the truth. i fought it, but i will never forget the feeling and the weight that was lifted off my shoulders that night he sat me down in the living room.
With j, it wasn't as strong of a feeling as with d; maybe because i was the one who had to take charge and end it, but when i would pray i knew it was time to end it. i was a mess with this one, i don't like breaking someone's heart. i didn't want to cause pain, but it had to be done (just like you probably feel with me) but once again, deep in my heart i knew he wasn't the one for me. then there was b. my heart was crushed when things ended with him. i was full of anger and hurt and i cried a lot. but yet again, my heart told me it wasn't right.
why can't i feel that way with you? why doesn't my heart just let me know? i pray all day long everyday to have that confirmation that it is over. and i just don't get it. am i seriously being so damn stubborn that i'm blocking it?
maybe just because i feel that we aren't over, doesn't mean that you will every be in love with me again. i know it could mean that we will just become friends. although at this point i don't much care for that thought. i'm still too in love with you to want to settle for just friends. but then i guess friendship is better than nothing.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Day 5

i'm amazed to say, today was better, better than the past few days have been. i got my closure finally. last night my heart finished breaking. it hurt, oh how it hurt. i can't even explain the feelings i felt. but i must admit, while it was terribly painful it was such a relief at the same time.
it broke entirely, which means all it can do now is empty out. rid itself of all the hurt and pain. then it can start to heal.
when you finally spoke to me i did what i knew i shouldn't...i asked for another chance. i knew what your answer would be, but i couldn't help myself. i cried harder than i think i ever have before. why?
i'm not quite sure...yes i love you. yes, i believe we are not through with each other. yes, i will miss you terribly now knowing that it really is completely over. BUT despite all those things that were wonderful, i wasn't a truly happy person. and truth is, that has nothing to do with you. it all lies in my hands, on my own shoulders. happiness comes from within. now it is time for me to take care of myself. i'm scared but know this is what i have to do.
after fighting tears all day at work and even letting a few sneak out, i realized i don't want to feel that everyday. i want to be happy. i deserve that much. i don't want to rely on you to make me smile. i can do it on my own.
you meant so much to me. you showed me light and carried me many times towards it, but now it is time that i take myself to it. you can not always carry me as was proven. you got tired and had to give up. i understand that. i really do. it doesn't take away the pain or anger that i'm feeling, but it does give me strength and courage to go forward. to allow my heart to be broken and feel everything. no more numbing myself to these aches.
she is simply one of the most beautiful of god's creations. it intimidates me, angers me, and scares me.
i stare at my reflection and find it nearly impossible to see any beauty. but you know, it also motivates me to start taking better care of myself. i know i can step it up and take better care of myself. i know what i need to do.
while thinking of the personal physical changes i want to make, i also thought about my possessions that i need to take better care of. my car, my yard, my house. i'll admit when i was with you i had expected you to help...often you did and we would talk about how we could improve the yard and things in the house. but now it's all on me. i cannot expect anyone else to help me, i can do it on my own. i look forward to doing it and patting myself on the back when i succeed.
i can do it. i will do it on my own. i am strong.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Day 4

I finally got more than 3 hours of sleep last night. As i crawled into bed I imagined you walking through the door, coming down the stairs and stopping at the bottom. You looked at me, I at you and the love that we share for one another pulled us into each others embrace. I smelled your scent, oh how i miss that smell. My hands couldn't resist rubbing your arms and torso. It felt so good to touch you again. I got tingles on my side as I felt your hands touch around my waist. Suddenly tears filled my eyes as I realized it was only a fantasy.
Morning routine went ok. i was sad realizing I may never have to be quiet or keep it dark to avoid waking you. I wore the jeans you gave me for Christmas and for a brief moment i nearly smiled, but then it quickly turned to tears. OH HOW I MISS YOU!!
All day my thoughts were with you. It's tuesday, you have your mens league tonight. I suddenly got the urge and desire to go golfing. Flashes of memories you taking me golfing for the very first time in smithfield, then all the others times we shared on the green, then that message you left me when you had the most amazing golf day rang in my ears.
While sitting in the sun thinking of you on my lunch break my phone started to ring. as i pulled it out of my purse i saw your sexy face. my tummy dropped. i feared you had accidentally dialed my number again, like you had the previous night. i feared you would hang up after one ring just like before. i sat there fighting the tears as i let the phone ring twice more to make sure you were actually calling me.
I answered but didn't say anything. i didn't know what to say. after a moment of silence i forced myself to say "hello?". you didn't answer, so i again said "hello?". still nothing. i heard the sound of equipment in the distance. i began to yell, hoping you would hear me and pick up the phone. then i got scared. if you heard me you would probably hang up because you didn't mean to call me. I quickly hung up before you could do it to me. my heart sunk. another day with nothing. i'm going crazy.
I'm terrified what you will say to me. will you tell me that you hate me? are you so upset with me for something that you can't even speak to me? will you tell me you never loved me? will you confess that there is someone else?
The truth scares me. part of me hopes so badly that you are just angry with me. i don't even want to think of you being with another girl.
but then another part of me hopes it is another girl and that you are avoiding me due to a guilty conscience. if it is the latter of the two, which i really hope it is because then forgiveness is in my hands. i know with certainty that i can forgive. but if you have some reason to completely hate me to the point of this, no communication, then i fear i have forever lost you. i don't know if you would forgive me've put up with so much bull shit from me and this may be your last straw.
on the plus side, i feel no anger today. only confusion and pain. yesterday was all anger. i became irrational and temporarily insane. i did things and thought things that i am ashamed of.
Today i smiled. it's been 4 days since i've really felt good. and you know what, once that first smile broke through it made the way for other smiles to surface.
i miss you love. it's been 2 1/2 very long weeks. just 3 or so weeks ago you came over every night. we'd have dinner, get the kids to bed, do your paperwork and snuggle in bed together. i know i bitched a lot about small stupid things...but i truly did enjoy our time together.
the following week is when you disappeared for a few days. when i got your phone call thursday asking if you could come over, my heart jumped and i was so excited. you were tired and got in bed right after dinner while i did bedtime routine with the kids...but when i finally got to bed you had the most wonderful surprise waiting for me. your kisses are like magic. they have such control and power over me. then you made love to me, and now as i'm thinking about it...perhaps it wasn't love making. regardless it was surreal for me. i remember telling you i loved you that night and got no response. then on the following sunday i said it again and your response was "ok".
hmmm...the pieces are starting to fit together. did you really go to bed after we had been at your dad's house that one night or did you go out with her? did you spend sunday with her? what about monday when you took off work early to go golfing? you couldn't make it the bbq with me and my friends later that night, is it because you wanted to spend time with her? did you really go to your dad's that one night?
then friday, when i asked you to come over and you point blank said "no". later you told me you were going to your friends for a bbq but wouldn't be out late that you needed to get your sleep for work in the morning. well love, i know you didn't go to the bbq. last night when i put your things in your car i saw the del taco bag from friday night at 10:45 p.m.
saturday morning i tried to call, i didn't think anything when you didn't answer...well that's not true. i have intuition and in my heart i knew something wasn't right. i tried to ignore my feelings. i text you and told you to know that i love you so much and that you are an amazing guy. then i called your work phone and it was off. my heart sank. you weren't at work. your work phone has to be on.
oh now i'm feeling yucky just doesn't make sense that YOU!! would do something like that. but then i realize that if you would cheat on shae, then why not on me?
i'm a survivor. if you don't want to talk t me, if you don't feel you owe it to me or if you hate me for something then i'll have to accept it. i'll survive. i'll be strong and move on.
but oh how i miss you. the saying is true "you don't fully appreciate what you have until it's gone" i've learned my lesson. i will savor every good thing in my life. i will say i love you everytime i think it. i will delight in the things that bring joy and forget about the rest.
i NEED closure. i can't just move forward. it's my right is it not? please please please answer when i call you.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Background for this blog

I'm confused. We were so happy. Now, you disappeared for 3 days with no talking to me...where are you?
For the last 10 months we have spoken to each other every single day. You call me every morning. Every afternoon. Every night.
Where are you?
It's been 3 long LONG days...I need you. My heart is full of fear.