day 71

we've talked a little. i've let you know i'm confused. i've opened up and told you my feelings, for you, of the fear i have, on the uncertainty. it's in your court now.
we still have more to talk about, like you said our goals and expectations in life. that is a big thing. the most important thing i think we need to discuss at this point.
without knowing the direction, it makes me question and wonder what is right, what isn't, what's appropriate and not...
here is what i want to say to you:
i want to make you the happiest man alive. i want you to feel without doubt my love for you. i don't want you to ever feel like you could find someone better. i want to be the best!
i am going to finish school. i am going to get an amazing career, where i can be a wonderful momma to my kids and be able to spend time with them, but also be able to take care of their financial needs without worrying or having to put things off til the next paycheck.
i am going to get healthy. i am going to become active. i'm going to start running and training for the ragnar as a first step. along with that step i need to quit smoking.
as far as drinking goes, i like to have a beer or two here and there...and i'm ok with that. i'm done doing the partying thing. i don't care for that lifestyle at this point. i like to be around my friends but don't care for the big wild parties.
i want to surround myself with things that make me happy. i want my kids to become my number one priority. they are right now, but sometimes i get so confused about balancing work, school, them and the other things in life. they are the greatest thing that has happened to me and i want them to know just how much they mean to me.
i want to travel the world. i want to see the places that i've read about in magazines or seen in the movies. i want to experience other cultures.
i want to laugh every single day. i want to enjoy all the small simple pleasures in life...the sunrise, sunsets, birds chirping, children playing, other peoples company.
i want to love with my whole heart and not be afraid. i want to feel unconditional love. i want someone to fully accept me for me, who i am and love me and all my quirks and flaws.
just a small list of what i'm going to get in life.

day 68??

since i've last written, we've spent so much time together. i guess i felt like i didn't need to write anymore...
but now here i sit, tears streaming down my cheeks...for you. why??? i hate this. hate it so bad!!
things have changed so much since the last post.
you've been there for me, when i really needed someone...and thank you!
but then because of that, we did something that we never should have. it was so bitter sweet. still is...i don't know how to explain it.
since that afternoon, my world has been rocked...i don't know which way is up, down, or sideways. i'm all sorts of confused. i long to talk to you about all the feelings, emotions, and happenings...but the time just never seems right.
when i went to cali, m and i talked a lot about it, and we both came to the conclusion that i needed to talk to you about everything. get the air cleared...then you called me that night...in the middle of the night...after i drowned myself in beer.
the first words out of your mouth were "tell me you love me" seriously? seriously??? why? you know that i do! i argued with you about it for a minute then i blurted it out. i confessed that of course i still love you. then i don't know what was said, but i unleashed on you. i yelled. it wasn't right of me. not the proper way to face the issue...but honestly i needed to get some things out and i believe that is the only way i could have...i still have so much to talk to you about, and look at me, a big fat coward.
what am i afraid of?? losing you?
i think that is it...and i don't know why. for one, you should'nt get mad at me. for two, i've lost you once and i survived, i can handle it again. for three, whatever is meant to happen is going to happen regardless of me talking to you and being honest; if we aren't meant to be, we won't.

every time we are together, there comes a moment when i think of her. i compare myself to her. i wonder how you would be if i were her. i wonder how much fun you had with her. i wonder what looks you gave her, the way you touched her, the way you talked to her...AND I HATE THAT!!
people say that you can forgive but you don't have to forget, well i disagree! i believe forgiving is forgetting. and i thought that i had forgiven you. but apparently i haven't because i can't seem to get you and her out of my mind.
oh it hurts so much. i wish there was a bandaid that could ease the pain. some pill i could pop on my tongue to make it all go away.
when you don't call me back when you say, i instantly think it's because you are talking to her. when you change plans on me, i assume it's because you are planning something with her. i can't go on like this. it's torture for me. i know i'm doing it to myself...but i can't help it. i tell myself over and over that you aren't that type of person...but you DID do that to me! you did hurt me! you did lie to me! you did betray me! deep in my heart i don't believe that is who you are, but i can't seem to let go of it.
last night i was talking to A...i don't remember what was said, but she'd said something and i commented and then she said "oh trichelle, you really do love him, don't you?!" she then told me that she knew that i did love you but not to that extent.
i do love you. i love you so much. so much that i sit here torturing myself. regardless of my love for you, i have learned to love myself. i have learned that i do deserve happiness...and that is part of what i need to talk to you about.
you make me happy on so many levels, but i want to be completely happy. and in order for that to happen (with you) some things definitely need to change. on both our parts.
hopefully we'll TALK soon!

day 46

i'll be honest...i don't know how well this "friend" thing is working for me. some days i am so happy and it feels so good, and then there are the other days.
days where i miss you. days where things you say hurt a little. days where i almost blurt out my love for you. days where i just long to be held by you. days where i'd give just about anything for a kiss from you.

day 44

so just 44 days i couldn't eat anything...and you KNOW how big that is for me! i love food, all foods. but i just couldn't get an appetite. i'd try to eat, but it would make me sick.
in 5 days i dropped 5 lbs. i was excited. that was the easiest 5 lbs lost ever, and the fastest!
since then...it's all changed. i gained 10 lbs since then. it makes me so sick to think of. i don't like that one little bit.
so i am doing a cleanse. not just to lose the weight but to get rid of all that "crap" (well i guess i don't really need "" around that word) that is stored in my body.
I started it yesterday, it's the cleanse you and i were going to do together...but i just couldn't commit, because i love my food way too much. but at this point, i really just needed to do it. so i did! and i'm so glad that i did. it hasn't been bad at all. in fact i'm hardly ever hungry, well no more than normal. the hard part for me is i sneak food without even thinking about it.
i'll steal a bite from the kids' food, or just grab a snack if it's out. i haven't cheated yet, but i've come pretty damn close quite a few times.
i feel good about being able to refrain. i feel so much more energy than normal, which is weird because the instructions to this cleanse warn that you will feel fatigued the first few days, but i haven't. i've been much more awake and energized. it's a wonderful feeling.

another thing i realized today. last week could've been a rather devastating one. and a few months ago, it would have completely stressed me out and gotten the better of me. but not now. and let me tell you that feels A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!! i'm so glad that i have stayed strong and kept a smile on my face.
things are surely changing for the better for me!

day 42

i've said it before, but i must say it again...life is pretty damn good.
once again, i had an amazing day.
my friends and i took the kids up to the dam. the kids had so much fun. and momma had so much fun watching them. my heart was full. i'm enjoying spending time with them...and i got to before school starts in only 2 weeks...yikes, where did summer go?
today was something so fun and easy to do and free...made me think of you (go figure huh? everything has a way of turning my thoughts to you) it was something you would've suggested to do with the kids. and they absolutely loved it. they even want to go again tomorrow...so i think we will.

i didnt' hear from you today. which is ok. i don't expect to, nor do i really want to get in the habit of talking to you every day...but still it's a little hard. especially when the kids go to bed and i'm left alone to get inside of my own head. i assume you are with a girl...which i guess is ok. it's a weird feeling, hard for me to explain.
part of me is jealous. another part of me is sad. another part is (and i'm being honest and sincere) happy for you. another part is just curious. like i said, it's a weird feeling.

my gf and i were talking and we decided nights are the hardest time. that's when our minds turn to you. everything slows down at night time. kids are in bed. and it's just the time that we are used to spending with "you".

hope your weekend is spectacular!

day 39

i've realized as much as i miss you, there is still so much hurt.
while in the shower tonight i broke down in tears again. i thought i was done. thought i had dealt with this...guess not fully.
i just can't believe that you could bounce so quickly and do so many things for her....
that's what triggered it tonight. you mentioned how you wanted to take a day off work to spend with your gramma for her birthday but that you doubted you'd be able to. i remember hearing the same things months ago that once summer comes you cannot take time off...yet you did for her. not only once but twice. and i'm sure you would've more times if you two were still seeing each other.

another bother for me...i'm just second rate. once she ends it with you (which i don't know what happened, that's just my guess) then you come back. it bothers me, and hurts me...but what can i do?
i feel like you are just bored and you know that i'm here and i'll pass the time for you. you know i'll answer the phone, that i'll talk to you, that i sincerely care...are you taking advantage of me?

yeah, guess today is one of the down slope days...tomorrow i'll be going back up. life really is good. i truly enjoy my life now. i've never been this happy...not in over 10 years i think. and the best part is, i know that there is so much more waiting for me. so much more happiness. i cannot wait to discover it.

day 38

uh-oh...uh-oh...no bueno.

I MISS YOU

i want yesterday back. i want to sit and laugh with you over nothing and everything. i want another water fight. i want smart ass remarks exchanged. hell, i'll even take falling out of a moving golf cart again.
and the worst part is...i want to lay in your arms tonight. i want closeness. i want to cuddle. i want to taste your lips. i want to feel your touch.

but even as i dream of this...i know reality. i remember how it was.
you were great. you were fun..but i always wanted more. more affection. more intimacy. i want someone who adores me. who just can't keep his hands off me.
yep, that's what i really want.
i'm really trying to push you from my mind...and it is slightly working, if only yesterday hadn't happened.


but i'm glad it did