day 12

i spoke to her. i didn't try to contact her, honest. we have a mutual friend. this mutual friend was getting her nails done and while "she" was talking about her weekend (spent with you) our friend mentioned something about me.
"she" wanted to contact me. my friend tried to call me while they were together but i was at work and couldn't answer.
"she" added me as a friend on facebook and sent me a message to text her. after hesitation, i did. she said that she wasn't convinced that you were being honest with her and asked when and why we broke up. i told her.
then she called me. she apologized and told me she had no idea about me. she knew that you dated "trichelle" but that you told her we broke up a while ago. ouch!
we talked about you and her, you and i, and just you. she told me that she wasn't really in the relationship and that she had been looking for an out and that i was an answer to her prayers. shitty thing is, i was somewhat relieved to hear that. i shouldn't be. i should hope for your happiness. and i should hope that i can find someone who will love me for me. who won't wander and stray. who will stick things out. but i love you. i want you back.
she's a sweet girl. at the end of our conversation she told me there are many more things she could tell me to get over you. to stop the hurt and heart ache. truth is, i don't know if i care to know all that. you were mr. wonderful in my eyes.
before she hung up she asked if she could use me as her scape goat. i said that she could if that's what she really wanted to do. i don't want you to think that i sabotaged your relationship. i wasn't trying to. honest!
yes, i do want you back. but i would never EVER go about it that way. i know that by talking to her i have ruined any chance i have at getting you back.
she told me about your trip to cali. that hurts. you told me that you wouldn't have much time to do things like that this summer with me. but now i see it. you are that way in the beginning. you were with me. everything was fun and exciting. and i know i was better to you in the beginning too. sucks how that works. we figure that we have it and don't have to work anymore to keep it.
at this point i know i have to let go. you will never come back.
i'm sorry. sorry for not being my best. sorry for not loving you the way you deserved. sorry for taking you for granted. sorry for not opening my heart all the way and letting you in. i just couldn't. the timing wasn't right i suppose.
and then i sit here thinking...would it have changed anything if i had? would you have stayed in love with me? would you still be here? and if you would be, for how long?

last night as i prayed i was overcome with a peaceful feeling. all day long i felt at peace. i had my nervous moments when i found out "she" knew about me. i was terrified for about 2 hours. but, i still felt an inner peace.
my prayers have been answered. i don't know exactly what is going to happen in my future. as much as i wish i did, it would take away from the journey. i have peace, next destination is joy. pure joy. i will get it, i know i will. i deserve it.

i know you are upset with me. but believe me, i didn't say anything to hurt you. anything to make her want to end anything with you. i'm sorry for talking to her, for your sake, but i needed to for my own. i didn't even realize the healing that it would do for me. but i feel like i can now move on. i can let go of you...just saying those words hurts me.
i still love you.

day 11

i nearly had a heart attack this evening.
i found some more things around the house that belong to you. i told you friday to come get them, that i would leave them by the back door and that i wouldn't be home so you wouldn't have to worry about seeing me. you didn't come get them. which was good, because i ended up finding a few more things.
well, having them sit in a heap by the back door is just a reminder to me that you don't care to come back. that you have left my life. i don't like seeing that everyday. i considered just putting them somewhere until you decided to come get them, but what if you never did. i don't want to find them later and be sad and feel bad all over again. so i decided that i'd have to take them to you, yet again.
today you had golf. i figured i could go out to your house while you were at golf and just drop them off in your car like i had done before. but when i got to your house and pulled in the roundabout i saw your aunts car, uncles car, uncles truck, your car and your truck. every vehicle was there. my heart stopped for a brief moment, then started pounding so hard i thought it might break through my chest. i sat in the car in shock. what was i to do?
surely i didn't want to knock on the door...but i didn't want you to look out the window and see me either. i just sat there frozen in a panic. finally i decided to text you. the text read "you aren't supposed to be home...where can i leave your things?" seconds seemed like minutes. i couldn't wait for a reply just sitting there. so i got out of the car, went to the trunk and started to grab everything. finally you text back...it had only been 2 minutes which for you is a record. you weren't home you were golfing. you have no idea the sense of relief i felt. i carried the things to your car.
when i opened the door i found everything else that i had put in there last week. your car was filthy. i checked in the front seat to see if you had even touched anything. the case of coke was gone. thank goodness you did get that taken in.
a part of me filled with a spark of happiness. the car was such a mess that there was no way you had taken her out in that. my hopes filled with thoughts that you hadn't seen her this weekend. that you had just stayed home. you don't drive your work truck around town. now of course i know that there is the possibility that she had come and picked you up. after all, if she had her kids for the weekend she would probably need to drive with their car seats in her car. likely you didn't stay home. but i don't care...i'm still going to be ignorant and think that you didn't go anywhere with her.
all evening i've thought about us. what if you did come to me and apologize, ask my forgiveness, tell me that you really truly do love me? what would i do? how would i react? i would take you back. you and i both know that. i wish i wouldn't. i wish that i could be over you. i wish the hurt would've been more so that i could be angry with you. but truth is, i feel so guilty. i wasn't good to you like i should have been. if i would have been, then i know that you would've been even better to me.
you know when you stole a piece of my heart for the first time? i had been having a rough week. you knew it. school was stressful. finances were stressful. life in general was just a bit much for me that week. friday afternoon while i was riding the train home, you called me and told me that once i got home i had 20 minutes to get a bag and you'd be at my house. you wouldn't tell me what exactly was going on. when we got in the car, you informed me you were taking me on an adventure.
it was so exciting. i remember staring at you in the car as you were driving us to pocatello, id. i was thinking just how cute you were. how fun this was. we did have fun. minus a little outburst from yours truly. (which is the one things i regret most in my entire life) then the next day you took me golfing for the very first time. i was so nervous. i had no clue what on earth i was doing. you just smiled and put up with me. i had so much fun. you did get my mind off of things that weren't worth worrying about at the moment. you showed me that there are other things to enjoy.
oh, i want to go on another adventure with you. i hope that our future holds many more adventures for us.
i love you.

day 10

this morning i should have been waking in your arms. should have been seeing your blue eyes. should have been getting ready to play in the river with you.
but instead, i woke up alone. i got ready to play with my friends in the river.
we had a good time...wait a great time. the river was so much fun. i wish you could have been there to enjoy the day with me. i wish we could have stolen some kisses while floating in our tubes. wish it could have been you that i spent my entire afternoon laughing with.
i miss you so much.
i did enjoy myself though. i relished the moment with my friends. i laughed so hard. i had so much fun and tried to force you from my thoughts.
i did alright until we were laying on the lawn waiting for the fireworks to begin. that's when it hit me. that's when i wanted to feel your warmth.
i text you. i told you i miss you. it was pathetic of me, i'm aware of that. but i couldn't not do it. part of me thinks i should just ignore you, let you think that i've moved on. not let you know that i miss you terribly, that everyday i think of you, everyday i want you.
but then this other part of me tells me that it's ok to let you know what you meant to me. that maybe you'd appreciate the fact that every now and then i do miss you.
i promise to never tell you just how often i miss you. that would only push you away farther.
happy 4th of july love.

day 9

sunday morning. coffee brewing. french toast on the griddle. you on the phone setting up a tee time.
that's what sunday morning used to mean for us. today, i lay in bed alone. missing the smell of coffee. missing you nudging me, batting your goopy eyes at me while asking in your little boy voice for some breakfast.
you know what's funny about that is, i'd always complain about having to wake up and get breakfast made...but truth is, i did like it, and even while i was complaining i knew that i liked doing that for you...another proof that i was just trying to push us apart.
i had no breakfast. it isn't fun to eat alone. i just stayed in bed praying. i need direction and guidance and strength. i text a few friends and we are going to go hiking again today. m and a are both coming. kinda weird how that worked out. they are both a little nervous being around each other. they are suffering from broken hearts. but neither one of them is backing down. both have said to me as nervous as they are, they are somewhat glad to be able to see the other. i wish that was you and i.
did you know i've been setting goals for myself? good for me huh?
as i sat outside this morning have my morning smoke, i am finally to the point where i don't want to smoke anymore. i've always wanted to quit, but never had the full desire. smoking is my frenemy. i love it. it's my alone time to sit outside with my thoughts. this past week got out of control. i smoked so much. remember how you and i cut back so much? how a pack could last me 3 or 4 days? well, this week i've gone to about a pack a day. DISGUSTING! that is not how i want to live my life.
I am done.
Another goal is to start taking better care of my physical body. eating healthy. exercising. m and i are going to sign up for the wasatch back ragnar next year. i am not a runner, you know this. i hate running. it doesn't even appeal to me at all. but that's why i am going to do it. i am going to force myself to do things that i don't like or that scare me or make me uncomfortable. as long as they are safe things.
i am going to make every minute count with my kids. since i've started working i feel like i never have time to fully enjoy them. you were always so fun and thinking of things we could all do together. now it's my turn to be the one in charge of making the plans and following through. thank you for showing me how to do it.
there are so many things i want to try, and i've decided now is the time i can. i have no one, not even you, holding me back. i'm working on making a list of everything. i'll share it with you when i get it completed.
missing you. loving you. needing you.

day 8...part 2

thank goodness for good friends. today was spent hiking with my good friend m. you know that she recently went through a heart break of her own. she completely understands everything i'm feeling. we talked about, her ex, and ourselves. it was a nice day to spend in nature reflecting on everything. seeing her and the strength she possesses to overcome her broken heart motivates me.
my other friends, who don't know much of the details of you and i but they know i'm hurting and need to keep busy, invited me to spend the evening at their house for a bbq, games and relaxing in the hot tub. they are amazing and true friends to be there for me and understand without having to know the entire story.
while sitting in the hot tub i looked out at the stars. pretty soon displays of fireworks filled the sky. i should have felt bliss. what a beautiful end to my day. but it was treachery to me. i ached for you to be sharing it with me.
you and i were supposed to be celebrating the 4th of july together. our summer wasn't exactly planned out, but we talked of all the fun things we were going to do...a trip to lava, camping with your grandparents on their property, fishing, hiking, golfing, bike rides, a cruise for my 30th birthday, boating, getting a vw bus to take road trips in...oh i was so excited. it had been such a long winter and was looking forward to spending time with you and making memories.
I miss you terribly. i pray that god will soften your heart. that you will remember the love you had for me. i know you loved me. i also pray that god with help me to become better. to become the person that you saw inside of me, that person i've been so afraid to let out. i pray that he will strengthen me to get through this time.
I LOVE YOU

day 8

the tears came last night. they hit me so hard. so unexpected.
it isn't fair. i thought i was done crying for you. i wish i were done crying for you. but i'm not. there was just so much. so much more that no one, NO ONE, understands.
people only saw what i let them see. and to be completely honest with you know. i wasn't fair with what i showed them. i was scared when you told me you had a crush on me. i didn't want to feel heartbreak again. i wasn't ready for it, my heart hadn't healed from all the other times. i prayed and prayed and told god that i wasn't ready, that i couldn't do it. i got my answer though. i knew that i was supposed to give us a shot. regardless of getting that answer i was still full of fear. i realize now that i sabotaged our relationship from the get go. i figured that if i only showed the bad, the things that i didn't like, the hurt then maybe i wouldn't get so wrapped up in you. maybe it would make it easier if we didn't have the support, you know if people weren't always telling me how good you are, then maybe i wouldn't fall so hard for you. sad thing about that is, it worked to some degree. i focused on the negative so much that it put a rift between us. i'm truly sorry.
that was so unfair of me. i wish others could've seen the man i love. i wish i wouldn't have pushed out all the good. once i realized i had convinced everyone, i knew what i had done, and knew that i did love you. i tried to defend you, defend us...but it was too late. no matter what i could say their minds weren't about to change. i had destroyed your chance.
this is all my fault. i didn't want to be happy, i was trying to avoid hurt.
i convinced everyone that i wasn't. i convinced you that i wasn't. and i even convinced myself to some degree that i wasn't. i wasn't happy. it was my fault. i wouldn't allow myself happines... i felt unworthy of happiness.
surprisingly enough though, i am coming to terms with everything more and more each day. i can't say i love you enough that i want you to be entirely happy. wait, yes i can. i do want you to be happy. but right now, amidst all the emotions and feelings i am being selfish. i want you to hurt a little right now. i don't want her to make you happy right now. i don't want you to make her happy right now. i'm sorry but that's the truth.

day 7

wow, 7 days! it doesn't feel like that long. the pain and thoughts are still so fresh in my mind. but at the same time it feels like so much longer. maybe because it's been 2 weeks since i've seen your face or touched your skin.
i faced the harsh reality today.
you may not ever come back. it hit me like a ton of bricks while i was sitting at my desk. i thought to my past relationship with j, i had questioned things but stuck around, not knowing how to approach the situation. then one night i met someone...
one night when i wasn't expecting it, not even looking for it, this pretty blue eyed boy grabbed my hand and led me to the dance floor. i tried to object, tried to get out of it by saying i had to leave but there was something that happened when he touched me. i felt a strange,, but simply wonderful feeling take over me. something i had never felt before. it wasn't just butterflies. wasn't just excitement that someone so attractive wanted to dance with me. on the dance floor i felt like we were floating. that we were no longer any where on this earth, but that we had been transformed to somewhere else. i felt a peace and a feeling of completeness.
later i felt guilty for it....and my marriage ended with j. j asked me to try and work things out, but i just couldn't. i had tried for months to change, to talk to him about things and let him know where my heart was. at this point i was done. i was wore out from trying and i couldn't do it any longer.
you were that pretty blue eyed boy. and now the story has changed. you are where i was, and she is where you were in the story.
that is reality. you are done.
i need a distraction tonight. i don't want to hurt knowing that you are with her. laughing, playing, kissing....oh god, i can't even go to what else is happening.
on the bright side, it is summer and plenty of things to do besides go to the bar on a friday night. the bar has always been my place for a distraction. it works. plenty of people to mingle with, new faces to meet. but i don't want to do that anymore. no, i don't...i want to find ME, not just someone to bring home for the night.