day 19

i'm happy. i'm really happy. i've noticed that the past few days i've woken up so happy in the mornings. i laugh all morning long to myself. i sing like a crazy lady (or like you did) in the car. at night i just sit and laugh thinking about things.
it feels so good. SO GOOD. i love it.
life is so good. so fun. so enjoyable. and funny thing is, i've done nothing the last few days, no reason to be in such a good mood. must be a sign that i'm changing. wahoo for me.
people at work even noticed. they just said i'm finally coming out of my shell. i corrected them and told them i'm just finally at peace.

day 18

not much to say today. can you believe it?
my friend wrote me a mantra. something i'm going to focus on each day.
thought i'd share it with you.

I love me... I am a good person, and I deserve the the best of everything in this world!!
I let go of EVERYONE elses judgements of me... thats their business... not mine....they're walking their path, and I'm walking mine my way.... I completely love and accept myself...
just the way I am... I am perfect!
I'm so thankful for the trials of my past for they have taught me many things...
I've come so far... I now choose all my life lessons come in ease and grace....
I give myself permission to be healthy happy and whole!....
I love me... I love my life... and life loves me!
All good things come to me now....It's my birthright!

isn't it beautiful? i love it. just reading it makes me smile. it gives me hope and direction.

also, thought you might like to know. i'm finishing my course at scientology.
thank you for getting that for me. it's been so helpful and i've decided that it's time i finish it.
i'm starting over from the beginning. reminding myself of everything.

the only way for things happen is to start taking charge,
so that's what i'm doing. i'm taking my first steps. yay for me!

day 17

remember months ago when we were debating something and you insisted that you were right and then it turned out that you were right? do you remember my comment? "i should've know, tj is always right". from that point on, anytime we'd argue something one of us would
repeat that line.
well mr tj, you ARE always right.
the night we spoke and my heart finished breaking you kept saying "i'm an ass trichelle". and you know what? you were right yet again. you are an ass.
you are an ass for finding someone else before ending it with me. you are an ass for hiding it from me. you are an ass for not speaking to me for 4 days. you are an ass for bailing on my children so suddenly. you are an ass for leading me on.
not only are you an ass, but you are a coward as well. you are a coward for not letting me know when you started having doubts. you are a coward for not speaking to me for 4 days. you are a coward for not coming to get your things from my house. you are a coward for not wanting to talk to me face to face. you are coward for not even apologizing.
i feel so many different emotions today. i hate you for treating me the way you did in the end...and that is a lie. i do not hate you. i wish i could hate you. if i hated you, maybe it would ease the pain and disappointment.
the way you treated me makes me feel so worthless. like i deserve no respect. you know what hurts most about that is? those were the 2 feelings that i have battled with so long. those are the 2 things you would get so upset about when i'd open up to you and tell you how i felt. you sat there and told me time and time again that i needed to abandon those perceptions of myself. you constantly told me things to help me let go of those feelings.
this is were i am confused. why did you try to convince me otherwise? why did you treat me that way? was it that i drew it out of you? did i make you live up to my expectations for myself? probably.
sometimes i find a little reassurance in your avoidance of me for those few days. sometimes i can't help but think that the reason you wouldn't talk to me was because you felt guilty for your actions. but then i wonder if i'm just being ignorant. likely, otherwise you wouldn't have moved forward with her so quickly. planned a trip with her before you ended it with me.
i don't know. but i still believe, regardless of your actions in the end,
that you are a truly good person.
i know you have demons inside of you. you don't like to talk about it or open up,
but there were a few times that you did.
i'm sorry that you suffer so much hurt, pain, guilt, sadness, loss, disappointment and whatever else. i wish i could take it all away from you. i wish i could've carried you towards the light and helped you empty out your heart of those things from your past that were haunting you. i mean that in the most sincere way, not as a put down. you are such an incredible guy as you are now, but imagine the guy you could be if you didn't have the other inside of you.
the same goes for me. i'm harboring so many feelings from my past. i've let them hold me back for so long now. i'm finally ready to let them go. to become my potential. to let that girl out of me, the one that you saw buried deep inside.
my first step is forgiveness. forgiveness to all who have hurt me, including you. and guess what? I FORGIVE YOU!
tonight i am letting go of all negative feelings and thoughts that i have for you. and not only for you, but for all others.
the part of forgiveness that i struggle with the most is forgiving myself. i've made so many mistakes and so i often just accept the bad things, the disappointment, the discouragement as punishment for my actions and choices.
i'm trying to let go of that. i want so badly to believe that i am good. that i deserve true happiness. that i am worthy of it. that i should be respected. and that i can demand respect. it's getting easier. i feel like each day i am able to forgive myself a little more, some days more than others, but each day i try to let go of something.
i'm starting to really truly believe that i do not have to settle anymore, that i can change my path. i'm starting to believe that i can have what i dream about. it's exciting to realize that my dreams can come true, that they don't have to be a mere fantasy.
i love you tj.
i thank you for allowing me this opportunity to learn and grow. you did come into my life for a purpose. i'm certain of that. and maybe this break up was the purpose. maybe it was so i could heal my broken heart. to realize my true potential. something that i have never taken the time to do before.
i want so badly to see you right now. to throw my arms around your neck and give you a big ole hug and say thanks. but the timing is right...but someday it will be.

day 16

my wish for today is that we could be friends. crazy right?!
i think so...how can we be friends? after all that we've been through, friends? really?
but as far fetched as it seems, that is my wish.
we started out with more interest than friends, however because of circumstances at the time, we couldn't have that interest and we turned to a great friendship. i miss that friendship.
i miss you.
likely it wouldn't work out being friends, but it's a nice thought.
yesterday while visiting with my friend k, you and i got brought up. i forgot that she didn't know anything that has happened between us. i told her that we were no longer together. i told her what happened.
as i was telling her my heart ached for you. i feel sorry that you are so lost that you just have to be with someone. you couldn't break up with me until you found someone else. i've been there. you just don't want to be alone. so you hold onto something, even if it isn't the best until you can find something better. it's not a good place to be.
i really do feel for you. i want you to be happy.
i don't know what happened with "her" the other night. she made it sound like she was going to end things with you. if she did, i'm sorry. i know you don't want to be alone. if she didn't, i'm also sorry. sorry that you are with someone who likely won't be around for long.
a part of me wishes that you would just contact me again. that we can fix things...but honestly i know that it wouldn't be good. it would be hard.
another part of me is so relieved that you haven't. i would feel so second rate. that you only come back because the other didn't work and that you just don't want to be alone.
i feel anger. and i don't know if it's really anger. but that's the only term i can think is close to what i'm feeling. i just keep thinking how good things were and then within 2 weeks you take her and her kids to california, and try to pit stop in st. george to stay with your family.
i just don't get it. don't you realize that makes you look like a fool? you take me to meet your dad's family and then 2 weeks later have another girl with you going to cali...hmmm...just don't get it at all.
i thought you were a genuine person. that you were in it for the long haul. you often told me you were done playing games. done fooling around and that you were looking for that person to spend the rest of your life with and when i would have doubts you would assure me that you were in it because you did love me. that you were dedicated....i believed you. and then you go and do this big old game...it's such a slap in my face.
as i sit here writing this, releasing these feelings from me, i then immediately turn to sympathy and sorrow. i love you so much.
i want you. i wanted you to be my divine ideal. i wanted you to be that man who sweeps me off my feet. who loves me unconditionally and accepts every part of me. and i believe that you did for a little bit. even though i know i drove you crazy, i know that you also loved me regardless of all my flaws.
time will heal all wounds. time will make me whole. with time i will become that girl you saw inside trying to make her way out, but was just too scared. now is my time. i'm going to take it. i'm going to enjoy the journey.
i'm going to take in my surroundings, realize my blessings, and find my focus and direction.

today i realized how present god is in my life. he loves me. he blesses me more than i ever realized. god sends people to help me. to say kind words to encourage me, to give me hope, to remind me that i am worth it. god also sends me trials to strengthen me. he knows that i am strong and that i need to be stronger. he is helping me to become the best trichelle i can be. i am so thankful for his faith in me. i am so thankful that he reminds me constantly of his love. i'm slowly building back my relationship with him. it feels more amazing than anything i have felt before.
god is good. life is good. i am good.

day 15

this morning little "I" said, "so mom, tj dumped you huh?" i said yes. she then says "well why would he do that?" i explain to her that you just didn't love me anymore. she thought about it for a minute and then said "well you know whoever his new girlfriend is now is SOOOO lucky! he's the best boyfriend".
I had to laugh. kinda cute. she loved you.
truth is, she was really angry when i told her you wouldn't be coming around anymore. this was before you spoke to me.
she was so upset. she stomped her feet and pouted. she said it wasn't fair. you had promised her that you would teach her to play golf.
i felt for her. i felt the same disappointment. and it angered me that you could do something so careless to my children. you know that they loved you. and you just dropped them, cut them right out of your life so easily. that makes me upset.
upset not only at you, but at myself. my poor children have seen too much heart break in their short lives. i told myself i would no longer let them get close to a guy i dated. it wasn't fair for them to "get dumped".
oh-well. i can't change it. and you did do so many kind things for them. i know that they will remember that.

day 14

Anger crept in a little bit today. i don't know why, but i guess it's time to face it.
how could you seriously go from loving me and being so cute with me everyday. telling me how much you appreciate me and how wonderful i am to planning a trip to disney with her and her kids before you even had the balls to end things with me?
oh that is what hurts the most! are you that confused? do you need someone that badly that you have to buy her love? i just don't get it...no i don't. i get most everything else. i understand that when someone new comes in and gives you attention, it makes you feel good. it does something inside of you. something that i myself have been guilty of indulging in. i understand all that...but i just don't understand you being so able to completely drop me like a bad habit and do things like that for her.
the reality of that is what crushes me. that is what gets me from wanting you back.
you know, i do think of what i'd do if you came back, i know i've said i'd take you back but truth is...at this point NO i wouldn't. what you did is cruel and selfish. that is what hurts so much.

regardless of the hurt i do miss you. i miss so much about you...but at the same time. i'm loving being able to be me, to do what i want to do without having to worry about if it's going to make you mad.
tonight my friend, a guy, came over. there is nothing between him and i, but i'm sure if you were in the picture i wouldn't have been able to enjoy time with him tonight. his gf did end up coming over about an hour after he got here but still i wonder if it would've upset you, then i realized it doesn't matter...you don't care anymore.
there, i got my frustrations out. i feel better. i said what really bothers me and now i release it from me. i release the anger. i release the hurt from it. no more!!
i still love you.

day 13

i love how each day gets easier and easier. god is good. he is helping me through this.
i'm realizing all the valuable lessons you taught me. but i'm able to let go a little more each day. today my friend told me to let go of the hope of you and i returning to each other. it was hard to hear that. hope is what has gotten me this far. but i know in my heart she is right. it did get me to this point, but now it will only hold me back.
i am glad that i met you. i seriously didn't believe that guys like you existed. guys that want to take care of a girl. guys that money doesn't really mean anything to and they like to spend it on others. guys that want their girl to do everything with them. guys that are persistent. guys that will actually talk on the phone and not just text. guys that want more than just a sexual relationship.
you have showed me that it really does exist...not just in the movies.
now i know what i want in a guy. what i can expect and what i do deserve.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING MY DREAMS A REALITY. i really didn't know those qualities existed. and now i know that i can look for them. you aren't one of a kind...that sounds harsh. you are one of a kind. but if you possess those qualities, others do too.
i don't want you to think i'm out there looking for that guy right now...right away. i'm not. i don't even really want to. i just want to sit back and relax for a bit.
take time to breath. time to take care of myself. to do things that i want to. that's what i am most excited for. finding myself. what i like to do.
cheers to the beginning of a beautiful journey.