day 37

amazing.
marvelous.
splendid.
super fun.
childish.
heavenly.
those are just a few words to describe the kind of day that today was...thanks to you!

i have never had so much fun with you. never ever. and we've shared some really good times!
today you saw trichelle. the real trichelle. the trichelle that you have asked to see before. the girl that you'd get glimpses of, but they were only glimpses, shortlived moments.
it felt so good. so good to just be myself. to good to not worry about what you'd think.
and because of that, i had the very best time. i laughed so hard all day long. i had so much fun. golf was relaxing and enjoyable...and not to mention, i kicked some major ass. finally getting the hang of it.
we both had smiles all day long. only kind words were spoke. laughter spilled out every few seconds.
you showed affection. something i'm not used to with you. but you kept touching my leg and i loved it. but i didn't get my hopes up for something to spark between us. it was just fun being friends out there sharing laughter and having fun. although, you did call me babe one time and i know it just slipped your lips without much thought, more out of habit. i pretended not to notice but i did. but again, it was fine. it made me smile. i think you were a little embarrassed, which i think is funny.
thank you! thank you for taking me to have such a super fun day with you. thank you for letting me be me. thank you for it all. but most of all, thank you for the friendship!

day 36

i did it. i don't know how to explain what i did but i did it.
it felt so good. i did it in a way that wasn't rude or hurtful. i laughed while i said what i think i needed to say. i got some things off of my chest. and boy oh boy did i mention that it felt so good?

while we were talking tonight, you asked me to go to the horse races in idaho falls with you. i know you only asked me so that i would drive you up there because you were so tired. i laughed and joked about how i'd drive you if you paid me 75% of what a taxi would cost. you agreed.
i could only giggle. i knew i wouldn't do it.
you asked if i was on my way. nope. you called a little later, asked again if i was on my way. nope. i wouldn't tell you that i didn't want to go. i couldn't say it right then. but later when you called me i got the courage to tell you why i wouldn't go up there with you. and that is what felt so good!
again, i just giggled as i said it. i'm not mad anymore. still a little hurt when i think about it. but i don't need to dwell on that. it happened. i can't change it.
all that was said was "if it were anywhere but there i'd go with you, but just not there". maybe you didn't catch what i was saying. but i at least said something. it wasn't that i didn't want to go. i did want to go. i've never been to the races and i've wanted to. we had talked about going...but then you took her. not me, her.
i COULDN'T go. it wouldn't have been fun. it would have been a train wreck.

then you went on to explain how it's been so long since you've gotten out of town and done something fun like that. i reminded you that it has only been 3 weeks. i didn't need to remind you that you took her to cali 3 weeks ago on a weekend that you and i had had plans. that wasn't necessary. but i let you know that i do remember.
i'm not ignorant. i'm not just a stupid girl who looks completely past it all. i do remember the hurt. i do remember the betrayal. i do know a few of the things you guys did.
but i let you know. and it felt good to get it off my chest. the best part of it is that i was able to do it in a way that wasn't going to cause tension. that wouldn't hurt you. that wouldn't ruin our friendship.
ahhh...i'm glad we are friends.

day 32

hmmm....
i know i asked you (or this computer) for friendship.
the universe heard, and you responded.
we are friends now...but sometimes i wish we weren't.
sometimes it's so hard not to call you babe or love. sometimes it's hard not to say i miss you. sometimes it's hard to not demand that you get your cute lil bum over here. sometimes it's hard to hear you talk about all your plans, and they don't include me.
sometimes it's just hard...but all in all, i really wouldn't have it any other way.
i'm so glad that you call me so often. i'm glad to hear about your day, whether it's your work day or your golf day.
i'm happy that we can be friends. i really am.
there are just those times, when i don't hear from you that make me realize that i really do miss you. that if you'd just have not contacted me again then it wouldn't be hard right now.
o-well, i'll take. it's the good kind of hard i guess.


ps: i miss you

day 28

missed an entire week almost.
maybe that's a good sign.
yes, it is a good sign. i've been so busy after work having fun. life is good.
i still miss you...but it feels really good to just be me. to find out who i am and where i want to go.
i'm glad that you are talking to me. i'm glad that we are friends.
it's crazy for me to think that only 28 days ago it hurt so bad. the pain was unbearable at times. that my heart was crushed and i felt such despair. and now, now we are friends. less than one month later! thank you!

i really can't believe how good life feels. it is far from perfect. i am far from being that girl that i want to be. but, i'm making my way. i've made mistakes, mistakes that i shouldn't have made. mistakes that could've completely set me back, but you know what? i'm not going to let them. i make mistakes but then i realize that i can just figure out why i did it and then work on changing that attitude so that i avoid making it again.

oh how sweet life is when you take time to smell the roses. thank you for teaching me that. and thank you for forcing me to stand on my own two feet. i needed it.

day 23

i had my first date, since you, yesterday. i was terribly nervous and even considered canceling after speaking to you. i don't know why exactly, i know that we can not go back. i know that if it wasn't there before, it won't just magically appear now.
but, i'm so glad i didn't cancel. i had so much fun. probably the best date, definitely the best first date i've ever had.
when he had asked if i'd like to go spend the weekend with him i told him this weekend wouldn't be the best because i didn't have much money and the way he was talking it was going to be rather spendy. he just laughed at me and told me not to worry about a thing.
as we drove to park city, i had to idea where we would stay and what exactly we would do...but i figured it didn't matter. i was determined to have a good time. we ended up staying at the only 5 star hotel/resort in utah. impressive no? it was fun to be pampered and waited on hand and foot. a lifestyle i could easily get used to. right?! we ended up doing absolutely nothing the first day. we walked around the resort, listened to music, and sat out in the beautiful mountains. it was the funnest night though. we drank wine, i took a bubble bath, and then we just laughed all night.
he was very respectful. never tried anything. i was relieved, you know i couldn't have gone through with anything. i am no longer that girl. i've tried to be (sounds insane i know) but i'm just not her anymore. thank god. anyways, i had a great time.
i felt awkward having him pay for everything, especially when i was sitting there doing the math the entire time in my head, but he just wouldn't let me help at all. kinda reminded me of you.
i laughed the entire time. oh how good that felt. i didn't worry about anything or offending him or upsetting him and i was able to just be me. it's been so long since i've been able to just be trichelle.
i like who i am. i've realized some things, things that i didn't much care for and have changed and am still working on changing them, but i've also realized things that i really do like about myself. this weekend i was the person that i am proud to be. and after thoroughly enjoying myself, i'm not scared to be her anymore.

day 21

THANK YOU!!
thank you for so many things. first off, thank you for picking me up this morning and taking me to the train.
thank you for stopping at my work and giving me gas money.
thank you for just shooting the shit with me on the phone.
but most of all, thank you for saying that small phrase.
those 2 words mean more to me than anything else right.
to hear you apologize to me, and not only to me but to my kids too, and get choked up added to the sense of peace i've been feeling. those 2 words allowed me to let go of the rest of the hurt and frustration i've been holding.

the last 2 days have been so nice. to talk to you as if nothing happened...well, to talk to you as a friend, like last summer when we built our friendship.
i do believe tj that we can be friends.
we make good friends too i think. i care about you and i know you care about me.
we want the best for each other. maybe that is presumptuous of me, but i feel safe in saying it.

you are a good person, and you proved that once again to me tonight. i know (better than anyone) that we all make mistakes. i've made far more mistakes in our relationship than you did and we both know that. you were patient and forgiving with me every time.

my heart is so happy right now. i just wanna sing and dance. and you know what, i'm going to!

thank you again, and i'm hoping that we can continue to talk and be friends.

day 20

wow, you called me today. 2 minutes before my lunch break you called. i went on lunch and saw i had a missed call from you. i tried to call ya back, but no answer. figured it must've been a butt dial or something.
5:00 sharp you called again. this time i was off work and i tried to answer but you hung up before i answered. i thought perhaps you had butt dialed me again...but then i realized that both times you called were at times that i would've been able to answer.
but i held strong. i didn't call you immediately back. i couldn't. please understand. as much as i wanted to, i just couldn't.
then 20 minutes later you called again. i hesitated to answer but did....oh, the sound of your voice. talking to you about your day was just like the good ole days. i missed it so much. it felt so good to talk to you. a little weird, since we've broken up and all, but that i was still able to speak so openly and casually to you.
you told me you wanted to talk if it was ok...it was. i was going to a concert but still had plenty of time. then you had to hurry and go for a minute. you said you'd call me back, and i knew you would.
well my coworker met up with me and then eventually my friends did too...then you called. you could tell i was busy so you wouldn't talk to me about whatever it was that you wanted to...i tried to get it out of you, but you wouldn't.
later, while i was at the concert you called again. i apologized for things with "her". for speaking to her. i know it didn't make sense to you. but i feel that is the reason you called. to tell me to mind my own business and to leave your life alone. i'm sorry. i didn't mean to every butt my nose into your life. i was curious but honestly i didn't try to get my way in. PROMISE.
well my phone died while talking to you.
i miss you. it was good to hear your voice. you sounded well. i love you still. i hope you will talk to me tomorrow. now i'm just curious....hoping for an apology. ahhhh....it makes it all confusing...i am finally happy with myself. don't know anymore if you fit in there.
i think i need to just be happy with me, without you. that sounds harsh, but i can't be happy with you ever (or anyone else for that matter) if i'm not happy with myself.