Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Day 4

I finally got more than 3 hours of sleep last night. As i crawled into bed I imagined you walking through the door, coming down the stairs and stopping at the bottom. You looked at me, I at you and the love that we share for one another pulled us into each others embrace. I smelled your scent, oh how i miss that smell. My hands couldn't resist rubbing your arms and torso. It felt so good to touch you again. I got tingles on my side as I felt your hands touch around my waist. Suddenly tears filled my eyes as I realized it was only a fantasy.
Morning routine went ok. i was sad realizing I may never have to be quiet or keep it dark to avoid waking you. I wore the jeans you gave me for Christmas and for a brief moment i nearly smiled, but then it quickly turned to tears. OH HOW I MISS YOU!!
All day my thoughts were with you. It's tuesday, you have your mens league tonight. I suddenly got the urge and desire to go golfing. Flashes of memories you taking me golfing for the very first time in smithfield, then all the others times we shared on the green, then that message you left me when you had the most amazing golf day rang in my ears.
While sitting in the sun thinking of you on my lunch break my phone started to ring. as i pulled it out of my purse i saw your sexy face. my tummy dropped. i feared you had accidentally dialed my number again, like you had the previous night. i feared you would hang up after one ring just like before. i sat there fighting the tears as i let the phone ring twice more to make sure you were actually calling me.
I answered but didn't say anything. i didn't know what to say. after a moment of silence i forced myself to say "hello?". you didn't answer, so i again said "hello?". still nothing. i heard the sound of equipment in the distance. i began to yell, hoping you would hear me and pick up the phone. then i got scared. if you heard me you would probably hang up because you didn't mean to call me. I quickly hung up before you could do it to me. my heart sunk. another day with nothing. i'm going crazy.
I'm terrified what you will say to me. will you tell me that you hate me? are you so upset with me for something that you can't even speak to me? will you tell me you never loved me? will you confess that there is someone else?
The truth scares me. part of me hopes so badly that you are just angry with me. i don't even want to think of you being with another girl.
but then another part of me hopes it is another girl and that you are avoiding me due to a guilty conscience. if it is the latter of the two, which i really hope it is because then forgiveness is in my hands. i know with certainty that i can forgive. but if you have some reason to completely hate me to the point of this, no communication, then i fear i have forever lost you. i don't know if you would forgive me again...you've put up with so much bull shit from me and this may be your last straw.
on the plus side, i feel no anger today. only confusion and pain. yesterday was all anger. i became irrational and temporarily insane. i did things and thought things that i am ashamed of.
Today i smiled. it's been 4 days since i've really smiled...it felt good. and you know what, once that first smile broke through it made the way for other smiles to surface.
i miss you love. it's been 2 1/2 very long weeks. just 3 or so weeks ago you came over every night. we'd have dinner, get the kids to bed, do your paperwork and snuggle in bed together. i know i bitched a lot about small stupid things...but i truly did enjoy our time together.
the following week is when you disappeared for a few days. when i got your phone call thursday asking if you could come over, my heart jumped and i was so excited. you were tired and got in bed right after dinner while i did bedtime routine with the kids...but when i finally got to bed you had the most wonderful surprise waiting for me. your kisses are like magic. they have such control and power over me. then you made love to me, and now as i'm thinking about it...perhaps it wasn't love making. regardless it was surreal for me. i remember telling you i loved you that night and got no response. then on the following sunday i said it again and your response was "ok".
hmmm...the pieces are starting to fit together. did you really go to bed after we had been at your dad's house that one night or did you go out with her? did you spend sunday with her? what about monday when you took off work early to go golfing? you couldn't make it the bbq with me and my friends later that night, is it because you wanted to spend time with her? did you really go to your dad's that one night?
then friday, when i asked you to come over and you point blank said "no". later you told me you were going to your friends for a bbq but wouldn't be out late that you needed to get your sleep for work in the morning. well love, i know you didn't go to the bbq. last night when i put your things in your car i saw the del taco bag from friday night at 10:45 p.m.
saturday morning i tried to call, i didn't think anything when you didn't answer...well that's not true. i have intuition and in my heart i knew something wasn't right. i tried to ignore my feelings. i text you and told you to know that i love you so much and that you are an amazing guy. then i called your work phone and it was off. my heart sank. you weren't at work. your work phone has to be on.
oh now i'm feeling yucky again...it just doesn't make sense that YOU!! would do something like that. but then i realize that if you would cheat on shae, then why not on me?
i'm a survivor. if you don't want to talk t me, if you don't feel you owe it to me or if you hate me for something then i'll have to accept it. i'll survive. i'll be strong and move on.
but oh how i miss you. the saying is true "you don't fully appreciate what you have until it's gone" i've learned my lesson. i will savor every good thing in my life. i will say i love you everytime i think it. i will delight in the things that bring joy and forget about the rest.
i NEED closure. i can't just move forward. it's my right is it not? please please please answer when i call you.

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