day 71

we've talked a little. i've let you know i'm confused. i've opened up and told you my feelings, for you, of the fear i have, on the uncertainty. it's in your court now.
we still have more to talk about, like you said our goals and expectations in life. that is a big thing. the most important thing i think we need to discuss at this point.
without knowing the direction, it makes me question and wonder what is right, what isn't, what's appropriate and not...
here is what i want to say to you:
i want to make you the happiest man alive. i want you to feel without doubt my love for you. i don't want you to ever feel like you could find someone better. i want to be the best!
i am going to finish school. i am going to get an amazing career, where i can be a wonderful momma to my kids and be able to spend time with them, but also be able to take care of their financial needs without worrying or having to put things off til the next paycheck.
i am going to get healthy. i am going to become active. i'm going to start running and training for the ragnar as a first step. along with that step i need to quit smoking.
as far as drinking goes, i like to have a beer or two here and there...and i'm ok with that. i'm done doing the partying thing. i don't care for that lifestyle at this point. i like to be around my friends but don't care for the big wild parties.
i want to surround myself with things that make me happy. i want my kids to become my number one priority. they are right now, but sometimes i get so confused about balancing work, school, them and the other things in life. they are the greatest thing that has happened to me and i want them to know just how much they mean to me.
i want to travel the world. i want to see the places that i've read about in magazines or seen in the movies. i want to experience other cultures.
i want to laugh every single day. i want to enjoy all the small simple pleasures in life...the sunrise, sunsets, birds chirping, children playing, other peoples company.
i want to love with my whole heart and not be afraid. i want to feel unconditional love. i want someone to fully accept me for me, who i am and love me and all my quirks and flaws.
just a small list of what i'm going to get in life.

day 68??

since i've last written, we've spent so much time together. i guess i felt like i didn't need to write anymore...
but now here i sit, tears streaming down my cheeks...for you. why??? i hate this. hate it so bad!!
things have changed so much since the last post.
you've been there for me, when i really needed someone...and thank you!
but then because of that, we did something that we never should have. it was so bitter sweet. still is...i don't know how to explain it.
since that afternoon, my world has been rocked...i don't know which way is up, down, or sideways. i'm all sorts of confused. i long to talk to you about all the feelings, emotions, and happenings...but the time just never seems right.
when i went to cali, m and i talked a lot about it, and we both came to the conclusion that i needed to talk to you about everything. get the air cleared...then you called me that night...in the middle of the night...after i drowned myself in beer.
the first words out of your mouth were "tell me you love me" seriously? seriously??? why? you know that i do! i argued with you about it for a minute then i blurted it out. i confessed that of course i still love you. then i don't know what was said, but i unleashed on you. i yelled. it wasn't right of me. not the proper way to face the issue...but honestly i needed to get some things out and i believe that is the only way i could have...i still have so much to talk to you about, and look at me, a big fat coward.
what am i afraid of?? losing you?
i think that is it...and i don't know why. for one, you should'nt get mad at me. for two, i've lost you once and i survived, i can handle it again. for three, whatever is meant to happen is going to happen regardless of me talking to you and being honest; if we aren't meant to be, we won't.

every time we are together, there comes a moment when i think of her. i compare myself to her. i wonder how you would be if i were her. i wonder how much fun you had with her. i wonder what looks you gave her, the way you touched her, the way you talked to her...AND I HATE THAT!!
people say that you can forgive but you don't have to forget, well i disagree! i believe forgiving is forgetting. and i thought that i had forgiven you. but apparently i haven't because i can't seem to get you and her out of my mind.
oh it hurts so much. i wish there was a bandaid that could ease the pain. some pill i could pop on my tongue to make it all go away.
when you don't call me back when you say, i instantly think it's because you are talking to her. when you change plans on me, i assume it's because you are planning something with her. i can't go on like this. it's torture for me. i know i'm doing it to myself...but i can't help it. i tell myself over and over that you aren't that type of person...but you DID do that to me! you did hurt me! you did lie to me! you did betray me! deep in my heart i don't believe that is who you are, but i can't seem to let go of it.
last night i was talking to A...i don't remember what was said, but she'd said something and i commented and then she said "oh trichelle, you really do love him, don't you?!" she then told me that she knew that i did love you but not to that extent.
i do love you. i love you so much. so much that i sit here torturing myself. regardless of my love for you, i have learned to love myself. i have learned that i do deserve happiness...and that is part of what i need to talk to you about.
you make me happy on so many levels, but i want to be completely happy. and in order for that to happen (with you) some things definitely need to change. on both our parts.
hopefully we'll TALK soon!

day 46

i'll be honest...i don't know how well this "friend" thing is working for me. some days i am so happy and it feels so good, and then there are the other days.
days where i miss you. days where things you say hurt a little. days where i almost blurt out my love for you. days where i just long to be held by you. days where i'd give just about anything for a kiss from you.

day 44

so just 44 days i couldn't eat anything...and you KNOW how big that is for me! i love food, all foods. but i just couldn't get an appetite. i'd try to eat, but it would make me sick.
in 5 days i dropped 5 lbs. i was excited. that was the easiest 5 lbs lost ever, and the fastest!
since then...it's all changed. i gained 10 lbs since then. it makes me so sick to think of. i don't like that one little bit.
so i am doing a cleanse. not just to lose the weight but to get rid of all that "crap" (well i guess i don't really need "" around that word) that is stored in my body.
I started it yesterday, it's the cleanse you and i were going to do together...but i just couldn't commit, because i love my food way too much. but at this point, i really just needed to do it. so i did! and i'm so glad that i did. it hasn't been bad at all. in fact i'm hardly ever hungry, well no more than normal. the hard part for me is i sneak food without even thinking about it.
i'll steal a bite from the kids' food, or just grab a snack if it's out. i haven't cheated yet, but i've come pretty damn close quite a few times.
i feel good about being able to refrain. i feel so much more energy than normal, which is weird because the instructions to this cleanse warn that you will feel fatigued the first few days, but i haven't. i've been much more awake and energized. it's a wonderful feeling.

another thing i realized today. last week could've been a rather devastating one. and a few months ago, it would have completely stressed me out and gotten the better of me. but not now. and let me tell you that feels A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!! i'm so glad that i have stayed strong and kept a smile on my face.
things are surely changing for the better for me!

day 42

i've said it before, but i must say it again...life is pretty damn good.
once again, i had an amazing day.
my friends and i took the kids up to the dam. the kids had so much fun. and momma had so much fun watching them. my heart was full. i'm enjoying spending time with them...and i got to before school starts in only 2 weeks...yikes, where did summer go?
today was something so fun and easy to do and free...made me think of you (go figure huh? everything has a way of turning my thoughts to you) it was something you would've suggested to do with the kids. and they absolutely loved it. they even want to go again tomorrow...so i think we will.

i didnt' hear from you today. which is ok. i don't expect to, nor do i really want to get in the habit of talking to you every day...but still it's a little hard. especially when the kids go to bed and i'm left alone to get inside of my own head. i assume you are with a girl...which i guess is ok. it's a weird feeling, hard for me to explain.
part of me is jealous. another part of me is sad. another part is (and i'm being honest and sincere) happy for you. another part is just curious. like i said, it's a weird feeling.

my gf and i were talking and we decided nights are the hardest time. that's when our minds turn to you. everything slows down at night time. kids are in bed. and it's just the time that we are used to spending with "you".

hope your weekend is spectacular!

day 39

i've realized as much as i miss you, there is still so much hurt.
while in the shower tonight i broke down in tears again. i thought i was done. thought i had dealt with this...guess not fully.
i just can't believe that you could bounce so quickly and do so many things for her....
that's what triggered it tonight. you mentioned how you wanted to take a day off work to spend with your gramma for her birthday but that you doubted you'd be able to. i remember hearing the same things months ago that once summer comes you cannot take time off...yet you did for her. not only once but twice. and i'm sure you would've more times if you two were still seeing each other.

another bother for me...i'm just second rate. once she ends it with you (which i don't know what happened, that's just my guess) then you come back. it bothers me, and hurts me...but what can i do?
i feel like you are just bored and you know that i'm here and i'll pass the time for you. you know i'll answer the phone, that i'll talk to you, that i sincerely care...are you taking advantage of me?

yeah, guess today is one of the down slope days...tomorrow i'll be going back up. life really is good. i truly enjoy my life now. i've never been this happy...not in over 10 years i think. and the best part is, i know that there is so much more waiting for me. so much more happiness. i cannot wait to discover it.

day 38

uh-oh...uh-oh...no bueno.

I MISS YOU

i want yesterday back. i want to sit and laugh with you over nothing and everything. i want another water fight. i want smart ass remarks exchanged. hell, i'll even take falling out of a moving golf cart again.
and the worst part is...i want to lay in your arms tonight. i want closeness. i want to cuddle. i want to taste your lips. i want to feel your touch.

but even as i dream of this...i know reality. i remember how it was.
you were great. you were fun..but i always wanted more. more affection. more intimacy. i want someone who adores me. who just can't keep his hands off me.
yep, that's what i really want.
i'm really trying to push you from my mind...and it is slightly working, if only yesterday hadn't happened.


but i'm glad it did

day 37

amazing.
marvelous.
splendid.
super fun.
childish.
heavenly.
those are just a few words to describe the kind of day that today was...thanks to you!

i have never had so much fun with you. never ever. and we've shared some really good times!
today you saw trichelle. the real trichelle. the trichelle that you have asked to see before. the girl that you'd get glimpses of, but they were only glimpses, shortlived moments.
it felt so good. so good to just be myself. to good to not worry about what you'd think.
and because of that, i had the very best time. i laughed so hard all day long. i had so much fun. golf was relaxing and enjoyable...and not to mention, i kicked some major ass. finally getting the hang of it.
we both had smiles all day long. only kind words were spoke. laughter spilled out every few seconds.
you showed affection. something i'm not used to with you. but you kept touching my leg and i loved it. but i didn't get my hopes up for something to spark between us. it was just fun being friends out there sharing laughter and having fun. although, you did call me babe one time and i know it just slipped your lips without much thought, more out of habit. i pretended not to notice but i did. but again, it was fine. it made me smile. i think you were a little embarrassed, which i think is funny.
thank you! thank you for taking me to have such a super fun day with you. thank you for letting me be me. thank you for it all. but most of all, thank you for the friendship!

day 36

i did it. i don't know how to explain what i did but i did it.
it felt so good. i did it in a way that wasn't rude or hurtful. i laughed while i said what i think i needed to say. i got some things off of my chest. and boy oh boy did i mention that it felt so good?

while we were talking tonight, you asked me to go to the horse races in idaho falls with you. i know you only asked me so that i would drive you up there because you were so tired. i laughed and joked about how i'd drive you if you paid me 75% of what a taxi would cost. you agreed.
i could only giggle. i knew i wouldn't do it.
you asked if i was on my way. nope. you called a little later, asked again if i was on my way. nope. i wouldn't tell you that i didn't want to go. i couldn't say it right then. but later when you called me i got the courage to tell you why i wouldn't go up there with you. and that is what felt so good!
again, i just giggled as i said it. i'm not mad anymore. still a little hurt when i think about it. but i don't need to dwell on that. it happened. i can't change it.
all that was said was "if it were anywhere but there i'd go with you, but just not there". maybe you didn't catch what i was saying. but i at least said something. it wasn't that i didn't want to go. i did want to go. i've never been to the races and i've wanted to. we had talked about going...but then you took her. not me, her.
i COULDN'T go. it wouldn't have been fun. it would have been a train wreck.

then you went on to explain how it's been so long since you've gotten out of town and done something fun like that. i reminded you that it has only been 3 weeks. i didn't need to remind you that you took her to cali 3 weeks ago on a weekend that you and i had had plans. that wasn't necessary. but i let you know that i do remember.
i'm not ignorant. i'm not just a stupid girl who looks completely past it all. i do remember the hurt. i do remember the betrayal. i do know a few of the things you guys did.
but i let you know. and it felt good to get it off my chest. the best part of it is that i was able to do it in a way that wasn't going to cause tension. that wouldn't hurt you. that wouldn't ruin our friendship.
ahhh...i'm glad we are friends.

day 32

hmmm....
i know i asked you (or this computer) for friendship.
the universe heard, and you responded.
we are friends now...but sometimes i wish we weren't.
sometimes it's so hard not to call you babe or love. sometimes it's hard not to say i miss you. sometimes it's hard to not demand that you get your cute lil bum over here. sometimes it's hard to hear you talk about all your plans, and they don't include me.
sometimes it's just hard...but all in all, i really wouldn't have it any other way.
i'm so glad that you call me so often. i'm glad to hear about your day, whether it's your work day or your golf day.
i'm happy that we can be friends. i really am.
there are just those times, when i don't hear from you that make me realize that i really do miss you. that if you'd just have not contacted me again then it wouldn't be hard right now.
o-well, i'll take. it's the good kind of hard i guess.


ps: i miss you

day 28

missed an entire week almost.
maybe that's a good sign.
yes, it is a good sign. i've been so busy after work having fun. life is good.
i still miss you...but it feels really good to just be me. to find out who i am and where i want to go.
i'm glad that you are talking to me. i'm glad that we are friends.
it's crazy for me to think that only 28 days ago it hurt so bad. the pain was unbearable at times. that my heart was crushed and i felt such despair. and now, now we are friends. less than one month later! thank you!

i really can't believe how good life feels. it is far from perfect. i am far from being that girl that i want to be. but, i'm making my way. i've made mistakes, mistakes that i shouldn't have made. mistakes that could've completely set me back, but you know what? i'm not going to let them. i make mistakes but then i realize that i can just figure out why i did it and then work on changing that attitude so that i avoid making it again.

oh how sweet life is when you take time to smell the roses. thank you for teaching me that. and thank you for forcing me to stand on my own two feet. i needed it.

day 23

i had my first date, since you, yesterday. i was terribly nervous and even considered canceling after speaking to you. i don't know why exactly, i know that we can not go back. i know that if it wasn't there before, it won't just magically appear now.
but, i'm so glad i didn't cancel. i had so much fun. probably the best date, definitely the best first date i've ever had.
when he had asked if i'd like to go spend the weekend with him i told him this weekend wouldn't be the best because i didn't have much money and the way he was talking it was going to be rather spendy. he just laughed at me and told me not to worry about a thing.
as we drove to park city, i had to idea where we would stay and what exactly we would do...but i figured it didn't matter. i was determined to have a good time. we ended up staying at the only 5 star hotel/resort in utah. impressive no? it was fun to be pampered and waited on hand and foot. a lifestyle i could easily get used to. right?! we ended up doing absolutely nothing the first day. we walked around the resort, listened to music, and sat out in the beautiful mountains. it was the funnest night though. we drank wine, i took a bubble bath, and then we just laughed all night.
he was very respectful. never tried anything. i was relieved, you know i couldn't have gone through with anything. i am no longer that girl. i've tried to be (sounds insane i know) but i'm just not her anymore. thank god. anyways, i had a great time.
i felt awkward having him pay for everything, especially when i was sitting there doing the math the entire time in my head, but he just wouldn't let me help at all. kinda reminded me of you.
i laughed the entire time. oh how good that felt. i didn't worry about anything or offending him or upsetting him and i was able to just be me. it's been so long since i've been able to just be trichelle.
i like who i am. i've realized some things, things that i didn't much care for and have changed and am still working on changing them, but i've also realized things that i really do like about myself. this weekend i was the person that i am proud to be. and after thoroughly enjoying myself, i'm not scared to be her anymore.

day 21

THANK YOU!!
thank you for so many things. first off, thank you for picking me up this morning and taking me to the train.
thank you for stopping at my work and giving me gas money.
thank you for just shooting the shit with me on the phone.
but most of all, thank you for saying that small phrase.
those 2 words mean more to me than anything else right.
to hear you apologize to me, and not only to me but to my kids too, and get choked up added to the sense of peace i've been feeling. those 2 words allowed me to let go of the rest of the hurt and frustration i've been holding.

the last 2 days have been so nice. to talk to you as if nothing happened...well, to talk to you as a friend, like last summer when we built our friendship.
i do believe tj that we can be friends.
we make good friends too i think. i care about you and i know you care about me.
we want the best for each other. maybe that is presumptuous of me, but i feel safe in saying it.

you are a good person, and you proved that once again to me tonight. i know (better than anyone) that we all make mistakes. i've made far more mistakes in our relationship than you did and we both know that. you were patient and forgiving with me every time.

my heart is so happy right now. i just wanna sing and dance. and you know what, i'm going to!

thank you again, and i'm hoping that we can continue to talk and be friends.

day 20

wow, you called me today. 2 minutes before my lunch break you called. i went on lunch and saw i had a missed call from you. i tried to call ya back, but no answer. figured it must've been a butt dial or something.
5:00 sharp you called again. this time i was off work and i tried to answer but you hung up before i answered. i thought perhaps you had butt dialed me again...but then i realized that both times you called were at times that i would've been able to answer.
but i held strong. i didn't call you immediately back. i couldn't. please understand. as much as i wanted to, i just couldn't.
then 20 minutes later you called again. i hesitated to answer but did....oh, the sound of your voice. talking to you about your day was just like the good ole days. i missed it so much. it felt so good to talk to you. a little weird, since we've broken up and all, but that i was still able to speak so openly and casually to you.
you told me you wanted to talk if it was ok...it was. i was going to a concert but still had plenty of time. then you had to hurry and go for a minute. you said you'd call me back, and i knew you would.
well my coworker met up with me and then eventually my friends did too...then you called. you could tell i was busy so you wouldn't talk to me about whatever it was that you wanted to...i tried to get it out of you, but you wouldn't.
later, while i was at the concert you called again. i apologized for things with "her". for speaking to her. i know it didn't make sense to you. but i feel that is the reason you called. to tell me to mind my own business and to leave your life alone. i'm sorry. i didn't mean to every butt my nose into your life. i was curious but honestly i didn't try to get my way in. PROMISE.
well my phone died while talking to you.
i miss you. it was good to hear your voice. you sounded well. i love you still. i hope you will talk to me tomorrow. now i'm just curious....hoping for an apology. ahhhh....it makes it all confusing...i am finally happy with myself. don't know anymore if you fit in there.
i think i need to just be happy with me, without you. that sounds harsh, but i can't be happy with you ever (or anyone else for that matter) if i'm not happy with myself.

day 19

i'm happy. i'm really happy. i've noticed that the past few days i've woken up so happy in the mornings. i laugh all morning long to myself. i sing like a crazy lady (or like you did) in the car. at night i just sit and laugh thinking about things.
it feels so good. SO GOOD. i love it.
life is so good. so fun. so enjoyable. and funny thing is, i've done nothing the last few days, no reason to be in such a good mood. must be a sign that i'm changing. wahoo for me.
people at work even noticed. they just said i'm finally coming out of my shell. i corrected them and told them i'm just finally at peace.

day 18

not much to say today. can you believe it?
my friend wrote me a mantra. something i'm going to focus on each day.
thought i'd share it with you.

I love me... I am a good person, and I deserve the the best of everything in this world!!
I let go of EVERYONE elses judgements of me... thats their business... not mine....they're walking their path, and I'm walking mine my way.... I completely love and accept myself...
just the way I am... I am perfect!
I'm so thankful for the trials of my past for they have taught me many things...
I've come so far... I now choose all my life lessons come in ease and grace....
I give myself permission to be healthy happy and whole!....
I love me... I love my life... and life loves me!
All good things come to me now....It's my birthright!

isn't it beautiful? i love it. just reading it makes me smile. it gives me hope and direction.

also, thought you might like to know. i'm finishing my course at scientology.
thank you for getting that for me. it's been so helpful and i've decided that it's time i finish it.
i'm starting over from the beginning. reminding myself of everything.

the only way for things happen is to start taking charge,
so that's what i'm doing. i'm taking my first steps. yay for me!

day 17

remember months ago when we were debating something and you insisted that you were right and then it turned out that you were right? do you remember my comment? "i should've know, tj is always right". from that point on, anytime we'd argue something one of us would
repeat that line.
well mr tj, you ARE always right.
the night we spoke and my heart finished breaking you kept saying "i'm an ass trichelle". and you know what? you were right yet again. you are an ass.
you are an ass for finding someone else before ending it with me. you are an ass for hiding it from me. you are an ass for not speaking to me for 4 days. you are an ass for bailing on my children so suddenly. you are an ass for leading me on.
not only are you an ass, but you are a coward as well. you are a coward for not letting me know when you started having doubts. you are a coward for not speaking to me for 4 days. you are a coward for not coming to get your things from my house. you are a coward for not wanting to talk to me face to face. you are coward for not even apologizing.
i feel so many different emotions today. i hate you for treating me the way you did in the end...and that is a lie. i do not hate you. i wish i could hate you. if i hated you, maybe it would ease the pain and disappointment.
the way you treated me makes me feel so worthless. like i deserve no respect. you know what hurts most about that is? those were the 2 feelings that i have battled with so long. those are the 2 things you would get so upset about when i'd open up to you and tell you how i felt. you sat there and told me time and time again that i needed to abandon those perceptions of myself. you constantly told me things to help me let go of those feelings.
this is were i am confused. why did you try to convince me otherwise? why did you treat me that way? was it that i drew it out of you? did i make you live up to my expectations for myself? probably.
sometimes i find a little reassurance in your avoidance of me for those few days. sometimes i can't help but think that the reason you wouldn't talk to me was because you felt guilty for your actions. but then i wonder if i'm just being ignorant. likely, otherwise you wouldn't have moved forward with her so quickly. planned a trip with her before you ended it with me.
i don't know. but i still believe, regardless of your actions in the end,
that you are a truly good person.
i know you have demons inside of you. you don't like to talk about it or open up,
but there were a few times that you did.
i'm sorry that you suffer so much hurt, pain, guilt, sadness, loss, disappointment and whatever else. i wish i could take it all away from you. i wish i could've carried you towards the light and helped you empty out your heart of those things from your past that were haunting you. i mean that in the most sincere way, not as a put down. you are such an incredible guy as you are now, but imagine the guy you could be if you didn't have the other inside of you.
the same goes for me. i'm harboring so many feelings from my past. i've let them hold me back for so long now. i'm finally ready to let them go. to become my potential. to let that girl out of me, the one that you saw buried deep inside.
my first step is forgiveness. forgiveness to all who have hurt me, including you. and guess what? I FORGIVE YOU!
tonight i am letting go of all negative feelings and thoughts that i have for you. and not only for you, but for all others.
the part of forgiveness that i struggle with the most is forgiving myself. i've made so many mistakes and so i often just accept the bad things, the disappointment, the discouragement as punishment for my actions and choices.
i'm trying to let go of that. i want so badly to believe that i am good. that i deserve true happiness. that i am worthy of it. that i should be respected. and that i can demand respect. it's getting easier. i feel like each day i am able to forgive myself a little more, some days more than others, but each day i try to let go of something.
i'm starting to really truly believe that i do not have to settle anymore, that i can change my path. i'm starting to believe that i can have what i dream about. it's exciting to realize that my dreams can come true, that they don't have to be a mere fantasy.
i love you tj.
i thank you for allowing me this opportunity to learn and grow. you did come into my life for a purpose. i'm certain of that. and maybe this break up was the purpose. maybe it was so i could heal my broken heart. to realize my true potential. something that i have never taken the time to do before.
i want so badly to see you right now. to throw my arms around your neck and give you a big ole hug and say thanks. but the timing is right...but someday it will be.

day 16

my wish for today is that we could be friends. crazy right?!
i think so...how can we be friends? after all that we've been through, friends? really?
but as far fetched as it seems, that is my wish.
we started out with more interest than friends, however because of circumstances at the time, we couldn't have that interest and we turned to a great friendship. i miss that friendship.
i miss you.
likely it wouldn't work out being friends, but it's a nice thought.
yesterday while visiting with my friend k, you and i got brought up. i forgot that she didn't know anything that has happened between us. i told her that we were no longer together. i told her what happened.
as i was telling her my heart ached for you. i feel sorry that you are so lost that you just have to be with someone. you couldn't break up with me until you found someone else. i've been there. you just don't want to be alone. so you hold onto something, even if it isn't the best until you can find something better. it's not a good place to be.
i really do feel for you. i want you to be happy.
i don't know what happened with "her" the other night. she made it sound like she was going to end things with you. if she did, i'm sorry. i know you don't want to be alone. if she didn't, i'm also sorry. sorry that you are with someone who likely won't be around for long.
a part of me wishes that you would just contact me again. that we can fix things...but honestly i know that it wouldn't be good. it would be hard.
another part of me is so relieved that you haven't. i would feel so second rate. that you only come back because the other didn't work and that you just don't want to be alone.
i feel anger. and i don't know if it's really anger. but that's the only term i can think is close to what i'm feeling. i just keep thinking how good things were and then within 2 weeks you take her and her kids to california, and try to pit stop in st. george to stay with your family.
i just don't get it. don't you realize that makes you look like a fool? you take me to meet your dad's family and then 2 weeks later have another girl with you going to cali...hmmm...just don't get it at all.
i thought you were a genuine person. that you were in it for the long haul. you often told me you were done playing games. done fooling around and that you were looking for that person to spend the rest of your life with and when i would have doubts you would assure me that you were in it because you did love me. that you were dedicated....i believed you. and then you go and do this big old game...it's such a slap in my face.
as i sit here writing this, releasing these feelings from me, i then immediately turn to sympathy and sorrow. i love you so much.
i want you. i wanted you to be my divine ideal. i wanted you to be that man who sweeps me off my feet. who loves me unconditionally and accepts every part of me. and i believe that you did for a little bit. even though i know i drove you crazy, i know that you also loved me regardless of all my flaws.
time will heal all wounds. time will make me whole. with time i will become that girl you saw inside trying to make her way out, but was just too scared. now is my time. i'm going to take it. i'm going to enjoy the journey.
i'm going to take in my surroundings, realize my blessings, and find my focus and direction.

today i realized how present god is in my life. he loves me. he blesses me more than i ever realized. god sends people to help me. to say kind words to encourage me, to give me hope, to remind me that i am worth it. god also sends me trials to strengthen me. he knows that i am strong and that i need to be stronger. he is helping me to become the best trichelle i can be. i am so thankful for his faith in me. i am so thankful that he reminds me constantly of his love. i'm slowly building back my relationship with him. it feels more amazing than anything i have felt before.
god is good. life is good. i am good.

day 15

this morning little "I" said, "so mom, tj dumped you huh?" i said yes. she then says "well why would he do that?" i explain to her that you just didn't love me anymore. she thought about it for a minute and then said "well you know whoever his new girlfriend is now is SOOOO lucky! he's the best boyfriend".
I had to laugh. kinda cute. she loved you.
truth is, she was really angry when i told her you wouldn't be coming around anymore. this was before you spoke to me.
she was so upset. she stomped her feet and pouted. she said it wasn't fair. you had promised her that you would teach her to play golf.
i felt for her. i felt the same disappointment. and it angered me that you could do something so careless to my children. you know that they loved you. and you just dropped them, cut them right out of your life so easily. that makes me upset.
upset not only at you, but at myself. my poor children have seen too much heart break in their short lives. i told myself i would no longer let them get close to a guy i dated. it wasn't fair for them to "get dumped".
oh-well. i can't change it. and you did do so many kind things for them. i know that they will remember that.

day 14

Anger crept in a little bit today. i don't know why, but i guess it's time to face it.
how could you seriously go from loving me and being so cute with me everyday. telling me how much you appreciate me and how wonderful i am to planning a trip to disney with her and her kids before you even had the balls to end things with me?
oh that is what hurts the most! are you that confused? do you need someone that badly that you have to buy her love? i just don't get it...no i don't. i get most everything else. i understand that when someone new comes in and gives you attention, it makes you feel good. it does something inside of you. something that i myself have been guilty of indulging in. i understand all that...but i just don't understand you being so able to completely drop me like a bad habit and do things like that for her.
the reality of that is what crushes me. that is what gets me from wanting you back.
you know, i do think of what i'd do if you came back, i know i've said i'd take you back but truth is...at this point NO i wouldn't. what you did is cruel and selfish. that is what hurts so much.

regardless of the hurt i do miss you. i miss so much about you...but at the same time. i'm loving being able to be me, to do what i want to do without having to worry about if it's going to make you mad.
tonight my friend, a guy, came over. there is nothing between him and i, but i'm sure if you were in the picture i wouldn't have been able to enjoy time with him tonight. his gf did end up coming over about an hour after he got here but still i wonder if it would've upset you, then i realized it doesn't matter...you don't care anymore.
there, i got my frustrations out. i feel better. i said what really bothers me and now i release it from me. i release the anger. i release the hurt from it. no more!!
i still love you.

day 13

i love how each day gets easier and easier. god is good. he is helping me through this.
i'm realizing all the valuable lessons you taught me. but i'm able to let go a little more each day. today my friend told me to let go of the hope of you and i returning to each other. it was hard to hear that. hope is what has gotten me this far. but i know in my heart she is right. it did get me to this point, but now it will only hold me back.
i am glad that i met you. i seriously didn't believe that guys like you existed. guys that want to take care of a girl. guys that money doesn't really mean anything to and they like to spend it on others. guys that want their girl to do everything with them. guys that are persistent. guys that will actually talk on the phone and not just text. guys that want more than just a sexual relationship.
you have showed me that it really does exist...not just in the movies.
now i know what i want in a guy. what i can expect and what i do deserve.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING MY DREAMS A REALITY. i really didn't know those qualities existed. and now i know that i can look for them. you aren't one of a kind...that sounds harsh. you are one of a kind. but if you possess those qualities, others do too.
i don't want you to think i'm out there looking for that guy right now...right away. i'm not. i don't even really want to. i just want to sit back and relax for a bit.
take time to breath. time to take care of myself. to do things that i want to. that's what i am most excited for. finding myself. what i like to do.
cheers to the beginning of a beautiful journey.

day 12

i spoke to her. i didn't try to contact her, honest. we have a mutual friend. this mutual friend was getting her nails done and while "she" was talking about her weekend (spent with you) our friend mentioned something about me.
"she" wanted to contact me. my friend tried to call me while they were together but i was at work and couldn't answer.
"she" added me as a friend on facebook and sent me a message to text her. after hesitation, i did. she said that she wasn't convinced that you were being honest with her and asked when and why we broke up. i told her.
then she called me. she apologized and told me she had no idea about me. she knew that you dated "trichelle" but that you told her we broke up a while ago. ouch!
we talked about you and her, you and i, and just you. she told me that she wasn't really in the relationship and that she had been looking for an out and that i was an answer to her prayers. shitty thing is, i was somewhat relieved to hear that. i shouldn't be. i should hope for your happiness. and i should hope that i can find someone who will love me for me. who won't wander and stray. who will stick things out. but i love you. i want you back.
she's a sweet girl. at the end of our conversation she told me there are many more things she could tell me to get over you. to stop the hurt and heart ache. truth is, i don't know if i care to know all that. you were mr. wonderful in my eyes.
before she hung up she asked if she could use me as her scape goat. i said that she could if that's what she really wanted to do. i don't want you to think that i sabotaged your relationship. i wasn't trying to. honest!
yes, i do want you back. but i would never EVER go about it that way. i know that by talking to her i have ruined any chance i have at getting you back.
she told me about your trip to cali. that hurts. you told me that you wouldn't have much time to do things like that this summer with me. but now i see it. you are that way in the beginning. you were with me. everything was fun and exciting. and i know i was better to you in the beginning too. sucks how that works. we figure that we have it and don't have to work anymore to keep it.
at this point i know i have to let go. you will never come back.
i'm sorry. sorry for not being my best. sorry for not loving you the way you deserved. sorry for taking you for granted. sorry for not opening my heart all the way and letting you in. i just couldn't. the timing wasn't right i suppose.
and then i sit here thinking...would it have changed anything if i had? would you have stayed in love with me? would you still be here? and if you would be, for how long?

last night as i prayed i was overcome with a peaceful feeling. all day long i felt at peace. i had my nervous moments when i found out "she" knew about me. i was terrified for about 2 hours. but, i still felt an inner peace.
my prayers have been answered. i don't know exactly what is going to happen in my future. as much as i wish i did, it would take away from the journey. i have peace, next destination is joy. pure joy. i will get it, i know i will. i deserve it.

i know you are upset with me. but believe me, i didn't say anything to hurt you. anything to make her want to end anything with you. i'm sorry for talking to her, for your sake, but i needed to for my own. i didn't even realize the healing that it would do for me. but i feel like i can now move on. i can let go of you...just saying those words hurts me.
i still love you.

day 11

i nearly had a heart attack this evening.
i found some more things around the house that belong to you. i told you friday to come get them, that i would leave them by the back door and that i wouldn't be home so you wouldn't have to worry about seeing me. you didn't come get them. which was good, because i ended up finding a few more things.
well, having them sit in a heap by the back door is just a reminder to me that you don't care to come back. that you have left my life. i don't like seeing that everyday. i considered just putting them somewhere until you decided to come get them, but what if you never did. i don't want to find them later and be sad and feel bad all over again. so i decided that i'd have to take them to you, yet again.
today you had golf. i figured i could go out to your house while you were at golf and just drop them off in your car like i had done before. but when i got to your house and pulled in the roundabout i saw your aunts car, uncles car, uncles truck, your car and your truck. every vehicle was there. my heart stopped for a brief moment, then started pounding so hard i thought it might break through my chest. i sat in the car in shock. what was i to do?
surely i didn't want to knock on the door...but i didn't want you to look out the window and see me either. i just sat there frozen in a panic. finally i decided to text you. the text read "you aren't supposed to be home...where can i leave your things?" seconds seemed like minutes. i couldn't wait for a reply just sitting there. so i got out of the car, went to the trunk and started to grab everything. finally you text back...it had only been 2 minutes which for you is a record. you weren't home you were golfing. you have no idea the sense of relief i felt. i carried the things to your car.
when i opened the door i found everything else that i had put in there last week. your car was filthy. i checked in the front seat to see if you had even touched anything. the case of coke was gone. thank goodness you did get that taken in.
a part of me filled with a spark of happiness. the car was such a mess that there was no way you had taken her out in that. my hopes filled with thoughts that you hadn't seen her this weekend. that you had just stayed home. you don't drive your work truck around town. now of course i know that there is the possibility that she had come and picked you up. after all, if she had her kids for the weekend she would probably need to drive with their car seats in her car. likely you didn't stay home. but i don't care...i'm still going to be ignorant and think that you didn't go anywhere with her.
all evening i've thought about us. what if you did come to me and apologize, ask my forgiveness, tell me that you really truly do love me? what would i do? how would i react? i would take you back. you and i both know that. i wish i wouldn't. i wish that i could be over you. i wish the hurt would've been more so that i could be angry with you. but truth is, i feel so guilty. i wasn't good to you like i should have been. if i would have been, then i know that you would've been even better to me.
you know when you stole a piece of my heart for the first time? i had been having a rough week. you knew it. school was stressful. finances were stressful. life in general was just a bit much for me that week. friday afternoon while i was riding the train home, you called me and told me that once i got home i had 20 minutes to get a bag and you'd be at my house. you wouldn't tell me what exactly was going on. when we got in the car, you informed me you were taking me on an adventure.
it was so exciting. i remember staring at you in the car as you were driving us to pocatello, id. i was thinking just how cute you were. how fun this was. we did have fun. minus a little outburst from yours truly. (which is the one things i regret most in my entire life) then the next day you took me golfing for the very first time. i was so nervous. i had no clue what on earth i was doing. you just smiled and put up with me. i had so much fun. you did get my mind off of things that weren't worth worrying about at the moment. you showed me that there are other things to enjoy.
oh, i want to go on another adventure with you. i hope that our future holds many more adventures for us.
i love you.

day 10

this morning i should have been waking in your arms. should have been seeing your blue eyes. should have been getting ready to play in the river with you.
but instead, i woke up alone. i got ready to play with my friends in the river.
we had a good time...wait a great time. the river was so much fun. i wish you could have been there to enjoy the day with me. i wish we could have stolen some kisses while floating in our tubes. wish it could have been you that i spent my entire afternoon laughing with.
i miss you so much.
i did enjoy myself though. i relished the moment with my friends. i laughed so hard. i had so much fun and tried to force you from my thoughts.
i did alright until we were laying on the lawn waiting for the fireworks to begin. that's when it hit me. that's when i wanted to feel your warmth.
i text you. i told you i miss you. it was pathetic of me, i'm aware of that. but i couldn't not do it. part of me thinks i should just ignore you, let you think that i've moved on. not let you know that i miss you terribly, that everyday i think of you, everyday i want you.
but then this other part of me tells me that it's ok to let you know what you meant to me. that maybe you'd appreciate the fact that every now and then i do miss you.
i promise to never tell you just how often i miss you. that would only push you away farther.
happy 4th of july love.

day 9

sunday morning. coffee brewing. french toast on the griddle. you on the phone setting up a tee time.
that's what sunday morning used to mean for us. today, i lay in bed alone. missing the smell of coffee. missing you nudging me, batting your goopy eyes at me while asking in your little boy voice for some breakfast.
you know what's funny about that is, i'd always complain about having to wake up and get breakfast made...but truth is, i did like it, and even while i was complaining i knew that i liked doing that for you...another proof that i was just trying to push us apart.
i had no breakfast. it isn't fun to eat alone. i just stayed in bed praying. i need direction and guidance and strength. i text a few friends and we are going to go hiking again today. m and a are both coming. kinda weird how that worked out. they are both a little nervous being around each other. they are suffering from broken hearts. but neither one of them is backing down. both have said to me as nervous as they are, they are somewhat glad to be able to see the other. i wish that was you and i.
did you know i've been setting goals for myself? good for me huh?
as i sat outside this morning have my morning smoke, i am finally to the point where i don't want to smoke anymore. i've always wanted to quit, but never had the full desire. smoking is my frenemy. i love it. it's my alone time to sit outside with my thoughts. this past week got out of control. i smoked so much. remember how you and i cut back so much? how a pack could last me 3 or 4 days? well, this week i've gone to about a pack a day. DISGUSTING! that is not how i want to live my life.
I am done.
Another goal is to start taking better care of my physical body. eating healthy. exercising. m and i are going to sign up for the wasatch back ragnar next year. i am not a runner, you know this. i hate running. it doesn't even appeal to me at all. but that's why i am going to do it. i am going to force myself to do things that i don't like or that scare me or make me uncomfortable. as long as they are safe things.
i am going to make every minute count with my kids. since i've started working i feel like i never have time to fully enjoy them. you were always so fun and thinking of things we could all do together. now it's my turn to be the one in charge of making the plans and following through. thank you for showing me how to do it.
there are so many things i want to try, and i've decided now is the time i can. i have no one, not even you, holding me back. i'm working on making a list of everything. i'll share it with you when i get it completed.
missing you. loving you. needing you.

day 8...part 2

thank goodness for good friends. today was spent hiking with my good friend m. you know that she recently went through a heart break of her own. she completely understands everything i'm feeling. we talked about, her ex, and ourselves. it was a nice day to spend in nature reflecting on everything. seeing her and the strength she possesses to overcome her broken heart motivates me.
my other friends, who don't know much of the details of you and i but they know i'm hurting and need to keep busy, invited me to spend the evening at their house for a bbq, games and relaxing in the hot tub. they are amazing and true friends to be there for me and understand without having to know the entire story.
while sitting in the hot tub i looked out at the stars. pretty soon displays of fireworks filled the sky. i should have felt bliss. what a beautiful end to my day. but it was treachery to me. i ached for you to be sharing it with me.
you and i were supposed to be celebrating the 4th of july together. our summer wasn't exactly planned out, but we talked of all the fun things we were going to do...a trip to lava, camping with your grandparents on their property, fishing, hiking, golfing, bike rides, a cruise for my 30th birthday, boating, getting a vw bus to take road trips in...oh i was so excited. it had been such a long winter and was looking forward to spending time with you and making memories.
I miss you terribly. i pray that god will soften your heart. that you will remember the love you had for me. i know you loved me. i also pray that god with help me to become better. to become the person that you saw inside of me, that person i've been so afraid to let out. i pray that he will strengthen me to get through this time.
I LOVE YOU

day 8

the tears came last night. they hit me so hard. so unexpected.
it isn't fair. i thought i was done crying for you. i wish i were done crying for you. but i'm not. there was just so much. so much more that no one, NO ONE, understands.
people only saw what i let them see. and to be completely honest with you know. i wasn't fair with what i showed them. i was scared when you told me you had a crush on me. i didn't want to feel heartbreak again. i wasn't ready for it, my heart hadn't healed from all the other times. i prayed and prayed and told god that i wasn't ready, that i couldn't do it. i got my answer though. i knew that i was supposed to give us a shot. regardless of getting that answer i was still full of fear. i realize now that i sabotaged our relationship from the get go. i figured that if i only showed the bad, the things that i didn't like, the hurt then maybe i wouldn't get so wrapped up in you. maybe it would make it easier if we didn't have the support, you know if people weren't always telling me how good you are, then maybe i wouldn't fall so hard for you. sad thing about that is, it worked to some degree. i focused on the negative so much that it put a rift between us. i'm truly sorry.
that was so unfair of me. i wish others could've seen the man i love. i wish i wouldn't have pushed out all the good. once i realized i had convinced everyone, i knew what i had done, and knew that i did love you. i tried to defend you, defend us...but it was too late. no matter what i could say their minds weren't about to change. i had destroyed your chance.
this is all my fault. i didn't want to be happy, i was trying to avoid hurt.
i convinced everyone that i wasn't. i convinced you that i wasn't. and i even convinced myself to some degree that i wasn't. i wasn't happy. it was my fault. i wouldn't allow myself happines... i felt unworthy of happiness.
surprisingly enough though, i am coming to terms with everything more and more each day. i can't say i love you enough that i want you to be entirely happy. wait, yes i can. i do want you to be happy. but right now, amidst all the emotions and feelings i am being selfish. i want you to hurt a little right now. i don't want her to make you happy right now. i don't want you to make her happy right now. i'm sorry but that's the truth.

day 7

wow, 7 days! it doesn't feel like that long. the pain and thoughts are still so fresh in my mind. but at the same time it feels like so much longer. maybe because it's been 2 weeks since i've seen your face or touched your skin.
i faced the harsh reality today.
you may not ever come back. it hit me like a ton of bricks while i was sitting at my desk. i thought to my past relationship with j, i had questioned things but stuck around, not knowing how to approach the situation. then one night i met someone...
one night when i wasn't expecting it, not even looking for it, this pretty blue eyed boy grabbed my hand and led me to the dance floor. i tried to object, tried to get out of it by saying i had to leave but there was something that happened when he touched me. i felt a strange,, but simply wonderful feeling take over me. something i had never felt before. it wasn't just butterflies. wasn't just excitement that someone so attractive wanted to dance with me. on the dance floor i felt like we were floating. that we were no longer any where on this earth, but that we had been transformed to somewhere else. i felt a peace and a feeling of completeness.
later i felt guilty for it....and my marriage ended with j. j asked me to try and work things out, but i just couldn't. i had tried for months to change, to talk to him about things and let him know where my heart was. at this point i was done. i was wore out from trying and i couldn't do it any longer.
you were that pretty blue eyed boy. and now the story has changed. you are where i was, and she is where you were in the story.
that is reality. you are done.
i need a distraction tonight. i don't want to hurt knowing that you are with her. laughing, playing, kissing....oh god, i can't even go to what else is happening.
on the bright side, it is summer and plenty of things to do besides go to the bar on a friday night. the bar has always been my place for a distraction. it works. plenty of people to mingle with, new faces to meet. but i don't want to do that anymore. no, i don't...i want to find ME, not just someone to bring home for the night.

day 6

not one single tear was shed today. it felt good. however, you still consumed my every thought. my lips long to sweep across yours. my heart still aches but life will go on. i am aware of that. i try not to miss you, but there is no denying you were my life.
last night i was lonely and did something that i didn't really want to, but i needed a distraction. i contacted b. you know with him, i never know how the conversation will go. sometimes (usually) he builds me up with the nicest and most sincere compliments and makes me feel beautiful and desirable. other times he gets his little jabs in but tonight i figured it was worth the risk. anything to get my mind off you dear tj. b and i text 3 or so times and then my phone rang. it was him. i should've been so happy. last year i got so excited when he'd call...but that was all before you. the entire conversation i just kept wishing he were you. that it was your voice i was hearing. that is was your jokes i was listening to. but he's not. no one is. regardless of me hoping and wishing it were you, it was still nice to talk to someone.
the conversation was the good kind. he complimented me over and over and shared how strong his feelings had been for me. i needed that last night. after staring at her beautiful pictures and feeling so inadequate it built me up a little.
i realized God really is looking out for me. he doesn't want me to be so hard on myself. he knows that i can get a bit extreme. he sends people like b and others to help me stay afloat. my friend at work sent me this text when he left "such an attractive woman! makes it really hard for me to focus. owww-owww!!" See god knew today was hard for me. he doesn't want me to crash all the way. he looks out for this girl.
this afternoon i took off work early to get the final divorce papers filed from j. didn't happen. j has to file something before they will take anything from me...such a mess. but good news was that i still had so much time in my afternoon. i decided to take the kids to the movies. i was so excited to do this with them until we got there. you are the only person i ever went to the movies with. as we walked in memories of you flooded my mind. i was scared that i'd see you...with her. it was very unlikely considering the time of day, but one can't help but still be afraid. every girl i saw i had the urge to stare at to see if it was her. i was constantly looking over my shoulder. i dread that day when i see you two together. it will be awful.
a confession:
this afternoon i called you, you didn't surprise me by not answering, but what did surprise me was when you returned the call. i put on my happy voice, which wasn't really forced, i really was in an upbeat mood....maybe because you were calling me back. i lied, i told you i had accidentally called, apologized and tried to get off the phone quickly. your voice wasn't the happy tj that i know. it was soft with a hint of sadness. i asked if you were ok and then had to quickly get off the phone when you said you were. your voice, just the sound of it made me ache for you. i just wanted to hold you, listen as you told me about your day, and then snuggle up on your shoulder as we drifted off to dreamland.
i must admit, a part of me was happy or relieved that i didn't hear complete happiness in your voice. i'll be honest, i don't want you to be happy with her. i want to make you happy.
as i got myself into bed tonight i had a strong feeling that you do miss me. i'm certain it's just my high hopes, and if by some chance i can feel something that you feel, i'm sure it's just guilt. if that is the case i don't want you to feel guilty. if it wasn't there anymore for you, it wasn't. you can't feel guilty about that.
a truck just drove done my street. everytime i hear a vehicle, my insides get all twisted and full of hope that it's you. coming to hold me. to apologize. to tell me it's over with her. that i am the one you love.
each time i pull in my driveway i wish so badly that i'll see your truck in front of the garage. but it never is. which i truly believe is for the best.
my friend was listening to me cry the other night and pour out my feelings. she reminded me that every person comes into our life for a reason, to teach us something and once that is accomplished we can part paths. i believe this with my entire soul, however i just can't bring myself to terms with it just yet. i don't want to believe that all those feelings i had for you were just for this time, it felt like so much more. i don't want to believe it's entirely over. truth is, i believe to my core it isn't. my family and friends will call me crazy...tell me that i just need to accept the fact that it's over and move on, but they don't know what is inside, they don't know about all those "weird" things we had happen together.
when d told me our marriage was over i knew deep in my heart he was right. the pain was unbearable at times but there was no denying the truth. i fought it, but i will never forget the feeling and the weight that was lifted off my shoulders that night he sat me down in the living room.
With j, it wasn't as strong of a feeling as with d; maybe because i was the one who had to take charge and end it, but when i would pray i knew it was time to end it. i was a mess with this one, i don't like breaking someone's heart. i didn't want to cause pain, but it had to be done (just like you probably feel with me) but once again, deep in my heart i knew he wasn't the one for me. then there was b. my heart was crushed when things ended with him. i was full of anger and hurt and i cried a lot. but yet again, my heart told me it wasn't right.
why can't i feel that way with you? why doesn't my heart just let me know? i pray all day long everyday to have that confirmation that it is over. and i just don't get it. am i seriously being so damn stubborn that i'm blocking it?
maybe just because i feel that we aren't over, doesn't mean that you will every be in love with me again. i know it could mean that we will just become friends. although at this point i don't much care for that thought. i'm still too in love with you to want to settle for just friends. but then i guess friendship is better than nothing.

Day 5

i'm amazed to say, today was better, better than the past few days have been. i got my closure finally. last night my heart finished breaking. it hurt, oh how it hurt. i can't even explain the feelings i felt. but i must admit, while it was terribly painful it was such a relief at the same time.

it broke entirely, which means all it can do now is empty out. rid itself of all the hurt and pain. then it can start to heal.
when you finally spoke to me i did what i knew i shouldn't...i asked for another chance. i knew what your answer would be, but i couldn't help myself. i cried harder than i think i ever have before. why?
i'm not quite sure...yes i love you. yes, i believe we are not through with each other. yes, i will miss you terribly now knowing that it really is completely over. BUT despite all those things that were wonderful, i wasn't a truly happy person. and truth is, that has nothing to do with you. it all lies in my hands, on my own shoulders. happiness comes from within. now it is time for me to take care of myself. i'm scared but know this is what i have to do.
after fighting tears all day at work and even letting a few sneak out, i realized i don't want to feel that everyday. i want to be happy. i deserve that much. i don't want to rely on you to make me smile. i can do it on my own.
you meant so much to me. you showed me light and carried me many times towards it, but now it is time that i take myself to it. you can not always carry me as was proven. you got tired and had to give up. i understand that. i really do. it doesn't take away the pain or anger that i'm feeling, but it does give me strength and courage to go forward. to allow my heart to be broken and feel everything. no more numbing myself to these aches.
she is simply one of the most beautiful of god's creations. it intimidates me, angers me, and scares me.
i stare at my reflection and find it nearly impossible to see any beauty. but you know, it also motivates me to start taking better care of myself. i know i can step it up and take better care of myself. i know what i need to do.
while thinking of the personal physical changes i want to make, i also thought about my possessions that i need to take better care of. my car, my yard, my house. i'll admit when i was with you i had expected you to help...often you did and we would talk about how we could improve the yard and things in the house. but now it's all on me. i cannot expect anyone else to help me, i can do it on my own. i look forward to doing it and patting myself on the back when i succeed.
i can do it. i will do it on my own. i am strong.

Day 4

I finally got more than 3 hours of sleep last night. As i crawled into bed I imagined you walking through the door, coming down the stairs and stopping at the bottom. You looked at me, I at you and the love that we share for one another pulled us into each others embrace. I smelled your scent, oh how i miss that smell. My hands couldn't resist rubbing your arms and torso. It felt so good to touch you again. I got tingles on my side as I felt your hands touch around my waist. Suddenly tears filled my eyes as I realized it was only a fantasy.
Morning routine went ok. i was sad realizing I may never have to be quiet or keep it dark to avoid waking you. I wore the jeans you gave me for Christmas and for a brief moment i nearly smiled, but then it quickly turned to tears. OH HOW I MISS YOU!!
All day my thoughts were with you. It's tuesday, you have your mens league tonight. I suddenly got the urge and desire to go golfing. Flashes of memories you taking me golfing for the very first time in smithfield, then all the others times we shared on the green, then that message you left me when you had the most amazing golf day rang in my ears.
While sitting in the sun thinking of you on my lunch break my phone started to ring. as i pulled it out of my purse i saw your sexy face. my tummy dropped. i feared you had accidentally dialed my number again, like you had the previous night. i feared you would hang up after one ring just like before. i sat there fighting the tears as i let the phone ring twice more to make sure you were actually calling me.
I answered but didn't say anything. i didn't know what to say. after a moment of silence i forced myself to say "hello?". you didn't answer, so i again said "hello?". still nothing. i heard the sound of equipment in the distance. i began to yell, hoping you would hear me and pick up the phone. then i got scared. if you heard me you would probably hang up because you didn't mean to call me. I quickly hung up before you could do it to me. my heart sunk. another day with nothing. i'm going crazy.
I'm terrified what you will say to me. will you tell me that you hate me? are you so upset with me for something that you can't even speak to me? will you tell me you never loved me? will you confess that there is someone else?
The truth scares me. part of me hopes so badly that you are just angry with me. i don't even want to think of you being with another girl.
but then another part of me hopes it is another girl and that you are avoiding me due to a guilty conscience. if it is the latter of the two, which i really hope it is because then forgiveness is in my hands. i know with certainty that i can forgive. but if you have some reason to completely hate me to the point of this, no communication, then i fear i have forever lost you. i don't know if you would forgive me again...you've put up with so much bull shit from me and this may be your last straw.
on the plus side, i feel no anger today. only confusion and pain. yesterday was all anger. i became irrational and temporarily insane. i did things and thought things that i am ashamed of.
Today i smiled. it's been 4 days since i've really smiled...it felt good. and you know what, once that first smile broke through it made the way for other smiles to surface.
i miss you love. it's been 2 1/2 very long weeks. just 3 or so weeks ago you came over every night. we'd have dinner, get the kids to bed, do your paperwork and snuggle in bed together. i know i bitched a lot about small stupid things...but i truly did enjoy our time together.
the following week is when you disappeared for a few days. when i got your phone call thursday asking if you could come over, my heart jumped and i was so excited. you were tired and got in bed right after dinner while i did bedtime routine with the kids...but when i finally got to bed you had the most wonderful surprise waiting for me. your kisses are like magic. they have such control and power over me. then you made love to me, and now as i'm thinking about it...perhaps it wasn't love making. regardless it was surreal for me. i remember telling you i loved you that night and got no response. then on the following sunday i said it again and your response was "ok".
hmmm...the pieces are starting to fit together. did you really go to bed after we had been at your dad's house that one night or did you go out with her? did you spend sunday with her? what about monday when you took off work early to go golfing? you couldn't make it the bbq with me and my friends later that night, is it because you wanted to spend time with her? did you really go to your dad's that one night?
then friday, when i asked you to come over and you point blank said "no". later you told me you were going to your friends for a bbq but wouldn't be out late that you needed to get your sleep for work in the morning. well love, i know you didn't go to the bbq. last night when i put your things in your car i saw the del taco bag from friday night at 10:45 p.m.
saturday morning i tried to call, i didn't think anything when you didn't answer...well that's not true. i have intuition and in my heart i knew something wasn't right. i tried to ignore my feelings. i text you and told you to know that i love you so much and that you are an amazing guy. then i called your work phone and it was off. my heart sank. you weren't at work. your work phone has to be on.
oh now i'm feeling yucky again...it just doesn't make sense that YOU!! would do something like that. but then i realize that if you would cheat on shae, then why not on me?
i'm a survivor. if you don't want to talk t me, if you don't feel you owe it to me or if you hate me for something then i'll have to accept it. i'll survive. i'll be strong and move on.
but oh how i miss you. the saying is true "you don't fully appreciate what you have until it's gone" i've learned my lesson. i will savor every good thing in my life. i will say i love you everytime i think it. i will delight in the things that bring joy and forget about the rest.
i NEED closure. i can't just move forward. it's my right is it not? please please please answer when i call you.

Background for this blog

I'm confused. We were so happy. Now, you disappeared for 3 days with no talking to me...where are you?
For the last 10 months we have spoken to each other every single day. You call me every morning. Every afternoon. Every night.
Where are you?
It's been 3 long LONG days...I need you. My heart is full of fear.