day 12

i spoke to her. i didn't try to contact her, honest. we have a mutual friend. this mutual friend was getting her nails done and while "she" was talking about her weekend (spent with you) our friend mentioned something about me.
"she" wanted to contact me. my friend tried to call me while they were together but i was at work and couldn't answer.
"she" added me as a friend on facebook and sent me a message to text her. after hesitation, i did. she said that she wasn't convinced that you were being honest with her and asked when and why we broke up. i told her.
then she called me. she apologized and told me she had no idea about me. she knew that you dated "trichelle" but that you told her we broke up a while ago. ouch!
we talked about you and her, you and i, and just you. she told me that she wasn't really in the relationship and that she had been looking for an out and that i was an answer to her prayers. shitty thing is, i was somewhat relieved to hear that. i shouldn't be. i should hope for your happiness. and i should hope that i can find someone who will love me for me. who won't wander and stray. who will stick things out. but i love you. i want you back.
she's a sweet girl. at the end of our conversation she told me there are many more things she could tell me to get over you. to stop the hurt and heart ache. truth is, i don't know if i care to know all that. you were mr. wonderful in my eyes.
before she hung up she asked if she could use me as her scape goat. i said that she could if that's what she really wanted to do. i don't want you to think that i sabotaged your relationship. i wasn't trying to. honest!
yes, i do want you back. but i would never EVER go about it that way. i know that by talking to her i have ruined any chance i have at getting you back.
she told me about your trip to cali. that hurts. you told me that you wouldn't have much time to do things like that this summer with me. but now i see it. you are that way in the beginning. you were with me. everything was fun and exciting. and i know i was better to you in the beginning too. sucks how that works. we figure that we have it and don't have to work anymore to keep it.
at this point i know i have to let go. you will never come back.
i'm sorry. sorry for not being my best. sorry for not loving you the way you deserved. sorry for taking you for granted. sorry for not opening my heart all the way and letting you in. i just couldn't. the timing wasn't right i suppose.
and then i sit here thinking...would it have changed anything if i had? would you have stayed in love with me? would you still be here? and if you would be, for how long?

last night as i prayed i was overcome with a peaceful feeling. all day long i felt at peace. i had my nervous moments when i found out "she" knew about me. i was terrified for about 2 hours. but, i still felt an inner peace.
my prayers have been answered. i don't know exactly what is going to happen in my future. as much as i wish i did, it would take away from the journey. i have peace, next destination is joy. pure joy. i will get it, i know i will. i deserve it.

i know you are upset with me. but believe me, i didn't say anything to hurt you. anything to make her want to end anything with you. i'm sorry for talking to her, for your sake, but i needed to for my own. i didn't even realize the healing that it would do for me. but i feel like i can now move on. i can let go of you...just saying those words hurts me.
i still love you.