the tears came last night. they hit me so hard. so unexpected.
it isn't fair. i thought i was done crying for you. i wish i were done crying for you. but i'm not. there was just so much. so much more that no one, NO ONE, understands.
people only saw what i let them see. and to be completely honest with you know. i wasn't fair with what i showed them. i was scared when you told me you had a crush on me. i didn't want to feel heartbreak again. i wasn't ready for it, my heart hadn't healed from all the other times. i prayed and prayed and told god that i wasn't ready, that i couldn't do it. i got my answer though. i knew that i was supposed to give us a shot. regardless of getting that answer i was still full of fear. i realize now that i sabotaged our relationship from the get go. i figured that if i only showed the bad, the things that i didn't like, the hurt then maybe i wouldn't get so wrapped up in you. maybe it would make it easier if we didn't have the support, you know if people weren't always telling me how good you are, then maybe i wouldn't fall so hard for you. sad thing about that is, it worked to some degree. i focused on the negative so much that it put a rift between us. i'm truly sorry.
that was so unfair of me. i wish others could've seen the man i love. i wish i wouldn't have pushed out all the good. once i realized i had convinced everyone, i knew what i had done, and knew that i did love you. i tried to defend you, defend us...but it was too late. no matter what i could say their minds weren't about to change. i had destroyed your chance.
this is all my fault. i didn't want to be happy, i was trying to avoid hurt.
i convinced everyone that i wasn't. i convinced you that i wasn't. and i even convinced myself to some degree that i wasn't. i wasn't happy. it was my fault. i wouldn't allow myself happines... i felt unworthy of happiness.
surprisingly enough though, i am coming to terms with everything more and more each day. i can't say i love you enough that i want you to be entirely happy. wait, yes i can. i do want you to be happy. but right now, amidst all the emotions and feelings i am being selfish. i want you to hurt a little right now. i don't want her to make you happy right now. i don't want you to make her happy right now. i'm sorry but that's the truth.
it isn't fair. i thought i was done crying for you. i wish i were done crying for you. but i'm not. there was just so much. so much more that no one, NO ONE, understands.
people only saw what i let them see. and to be completely honest with you know. i wasn't fair with what i showed them. i was scared when you told me you had a crush on me. i didn't want to feel heartbreak again. i wasn't ready for it, my heart hadn't healed from all the other times. i prayed and prayed and told god that i wasn't ready, that i couldn't do it. i got my answer though. i knew that i was supposed to give us a shot. regardless of getting that answer i was still full of fear. i realize now that i sabotaged our relationship from the get go. i figured that if i only showed the bad, the things that i didn't like, the hurt then maybe i wouldn't get so wrapped up in you. maybe it would make it easier if we didn't have the support, you know if people weren't always telling me how good you are, then maybe i wouldn't fall so hard for you. sad thing about that is, it worked to some degree. i focused on the negative so much that it put a rift between us. i'm truly sorry.
that was so unfair of me. i wish others could've seen the man i love. i wish i wouldn't have pushed out all the good. once i realized i had convinced everyone, i knew what i had done, and knew that i did love you. i tried to defend you, defend us...but it was too late. no matter what i could say their minds weren't about to change. i had destroyed your chance.
this is all my fault. i didn't want to be happy, i was trying to avoid hurt.
i convinced everyone that i wasn't. i convinced you that i wasn't. and i even convinced myself to some degree that i wasn't. i wasn't happy. it was my fault. i wouldn't allow myself happines... i felt unworthy of happiness.
surprisingly enough though, i am coming to terms with everything more and more each day. i can't say i love you enough that i want you to be entirely happy. wait, yes i can. i do want you to be happy. but right now, amidst all the emotions and feelings i am being selfish. i want you to hurt a little right now. i don't want her to make you happy right now. i don't want you to make her happy right now. i'm sorry but that's the truth.
No comments:
Post a Comment