Monday, July 11, 2011

day 17

remember months ago when we were debating something and you insisted that you were right and then it turned out that you were right? do you remember my comment? "i should've know, tj is always right". from that point on, anytime we'd argue something one of us would
repeat that line.
well mr tj, you ARE always right.
the night we spoke and my heart finished breaking you kept saying "i'm an ass trichelle". and you know what? you were right yet again. you are an ass.
you are an ass for finding someone else before ending it with me. you are an ass for hiding it from me. you are an ass for not speaking to me for 4 days. you are an ass for bailing on my children so suddenly. you are an ass for leading me on.
not only are you an ass, but you are a coward as well. you are a coward for not letting me know when you started having doubts. you are a coward for not speaking to me for 4 days. you are a coward for not coming to get your things from my house. you are a coward for not wanting to talk to me face to face. you are coward for not even apologizing.
i feel so many different emotions today. i hate you for treating me the way you did in the end...and that is a lie. i do not hate you. i wish i could hate you. if i hated you, maybe it would ease the pain and disappointment.
the way you treated me makes me feel so worthless. like i deserve no respect. you know what hurts most about that is? those were the 2 feelings that i have battled with so long. those are the 2 things you would get so upset about when i'd open up to you and tell you how i felt. you sat there and told me time and time again that i needed to abandon those perceptions of myself. you constantly told me things to help me let go of those feelings.
this is were i am confused. why did you try to convince me otherwise? why did you treat me that way? was it that i drew it out of you? did i make you live up to my expectations for myself? probably.
sometimes i find a little reassurance in your avoidance of me for those few days. sometimes i can't help but think that the reason you wouldn't talk to me was because you felt guilty for your actions. but then i wonder if i'm just being ignorant. likely, otherwise you wouldn't have moved forward with her so quickly. planned a trip with her before you ended it with me.
i don't know. but i still believe, regardless of your actions in the end,
that you are a truly good person.
i know you have demons inside of you. you don't like to talk about it or open up,
but there were a few times that you did.
i'm sorry that you suffer so much hurt, pain, guilt, sadness, loss, disappointment and whatever else. i wish i could take it all away from you. i wish i could've carried you towards the light and helped you empty out your heart of those things from your past that were haunting you. i mean that in the most sincere way, not as a put down. you are such an incredible guy as you are now, but imagine the guy you could be if you didn't have the other inside of you.
the same goes for me. i'm harboring so many feelings from my past. i've let them hold me back for so long now. i'm finally ready to let them go. to become my potential. to let that girl out of me, the one that you saw buried deep inside.
my first step is forgiveness. forgiveness to all who have hurt me, including you. and guess what? I FORGIVE YOU!
tonight i am letting go of all negative feelings and thoughts that i have for you. and not only for you, but for all others.
the part of forgiveness that i struggle with the most is forgiving myself. i've made so many mistakes and so i often just accept the bad things, the disappointment, the discouragement as punishment for my actions and choices.
i'm trying to let go of that. i want so badly to believe that i am good. that i deserve true happiness. that i am worthy of it. that i should be respected. and that i can demand respect. it's getting easier. i feel like each day i am able to forgive myself a little more, some days more than others, but each day i try to let go of something.
i'm starting to really truly believe that i do not have to settle anymore, that i can change my path. i'm starting to believe that i can have what i dream about. it's exciting to realize that my dreams can come true, that they don't have to be a mere fantasy.
i love you tj.
i thank you for allowing me this opportunity to learn and grow. you did come into my life for a purpose. i'm certain of that. and maybe this break up was the purpose. maybe it was so i could heal my broken heart. to realize my true potential. something that i have never taken the time to do before.
i want so badly to see you right now. to throw my arms around your neck and give you a big ole hug and say thanks. but the timing is right...but someday it will be.

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