Sunday, July 3, 2011

day 9

sunday morning. coffee brewing. french toast on the griddle. you on the phone setting up a tee time.
that's what sunday morning used to mean for us. today, i lay in bed alone. missing the smell of coffee. missing you nudging me, batting your goopy eyes at me while asking in your little boy voice for some breakfast.
you know what's funny about that is, i'd always complain about having to wake up and get breakfast made...but truth is, i did like it, and even while i was complaining i knew that i liked doing that for you...another proof that i was just trying to push us apart.
i had no breakfast. it isn't fun to eat alone. i just stayed in bed praying. i need direction and guidance and strength. i text a few friends and we are going to go hiking again today. m and a are both coming. kinda weird how that worked out. they are both a little nervous being around each other. they are suffering from broken hearts. but neither one of them is backing down. both have said to me as nervous as they are, they are somewhat glad to be able to see the other. i wish that was you and i.
did you know i've been setting goals for myself? good for me huh?
as i sat outside this morning have my morning smoke, i am finally to the point where i don't want to smoke anymore. i've always wanted to quit, but never had the full desire. smoking is my frenemy. i love it. it's my alone time to sit outside with my thoughts. this past week got out of control. i smoked so much. remember how you and i cut back so much? how a pack could last me 3 or 4 days? well, this week i've gone to about a pack a day. DISGUSTING! that is not how i want to live my life.
I am done.
Another goal is to start taking better care of my physical body. eating healthy. exercising. m and i are going to sign up for the wasatch back ragnar next year. i am not a runner, you know this. i hate running. it doesn't even appeal to me at all. but that's why i am going to do it. i am going to force myself to do things that i don't like or that scare me or make me uncomfortable. as long as they are safe things.
i am going to make every minute count with my kids. since i've started working i feel like i never have time to fully enjoy them. you were always so fun and thinking of things we could all do together. now it's my turn to be the one in charge of making the plans and following through. thank you for showing me how to do it.
there are so many things i want to try, and i've decided now is the time i can. i have no one, not even you, holding me back. i'm working on making a list of everything. i'll share it with you when i get it completed.
missing you. loving you. needing you.

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