Saturday, July 30, 2011

day 36

i did it. i don't know how to explain what i did but i did it.
it felt so good. i did it in a way that wasn't rude or hurtful. i laughed while i said what i think i needed to say. i got some things off of my chest. and boy oh boy did i mention that it felt so good?

while we were talking tonight, you asked me to go to the horse races in idaho falls with you. i know you only asked me so that i would drive you up there because you were so tired. i laughed and joked about how i'd drive you if you paid me 75% of what a taxi would cost. you agreed.
i could only giggle. i knew i wouldn't do it.
you asked if i was on my way. nope. you called a little later, asked again if i was on my way. nope. i wouldn't tell you that i didn't want to go. i couldn't say it right then. but later when you called me i got the courage to tell you why i wouldn't go up there with you. and that is what felt so good!
again, i just giggled as i said it. i'm not mad anymore. still a little hurt when i think about it. but i don't need to dwell on that. it happened. i can't change it.
all that was said was "if it were anywhere but there i'd go with you, but just not there". maybe you didn't catch what i was saying. but i at least said something. it wasn't that i didn't want to go. i did want to go. i've never been to the races and i've wanted to. we had talked about going...but then you took her. not me, her.
i COULDN'T go. it wouldn't have been fun. it would have been a train wreck.

then you went on to explain how it's been so long since you've gotten out of town and done something fun like that. i reminded you that it has only been 3 weeks. i didn't need to remind you that you took her to cali 3 weeks ago on a weekend that you and i had had plans. that wasn't necessary. but i let you know that i do remember.
i'm not ignorant. i'm not just a stupid girl who looks completely past it all. i do remember the hurt. i do remember the betrayal. i do know a few of the things you guys did.
but i let you know. and it felt good to get it off my chest. the best part of it is that i was able to do it in a way that wasn't going to cause tension. that wouldn't hurt you. that wouldn't ruin our friendship.
ahhh...i'm glad we are friends.

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