Tuesday, July 5, 2011

day 11

i nearly had a heart attack this evening.
i found some more things around the house that belong to you. i told you friday to come get them, that i would leave them by the back door and that i wouldn't be home so you wouldn't have to worry about seeing me. you didn't come get them. which was good, because i ended up finding a few more things.
well, having them sit in a heap by the back door is just a reminder to me that you don't care to come back. that you have left my life. i don't like seeing that everyday. i considered just putting them somewhere until you decided to come get them, but what if you never did. i don't want to find them later and be sad and feel bad all over again. so i decided that i'd have to take them to you, yet again.
today you had golf. i figured i could go out to your house while you were at golf and just drop them off in your car like i had done before. but when i got to your house and pulled in the roundabout i saw your aunts car, uncles car, uncles truck, your car and your truck. every vehicle was there. my heart stopped for a brief moment, then started pounding so hard i thought it might break through my chest. i sat in the car in shock. what was i to do?
surely i didn't want to knock on the door...but i didn't want you to look out the window and see me either. i just sat there frozen in a panic. finally i decided to text you. the text read "you aren't supposed to be home...where can i leave your things?" seconds seemed like minutes. i couldn't wait for a reply just sitting there. so i got out of the car, went to the trunk and started to grab everything. finally you text back...it had only been 2 minutes which for you is a record. you weren't home you were golfing. you have no idea the sense of relief i felt. i carried the things to your car.
when i opened the door i found everything else that i had put in there last week. your car was filthy. i checked in the front seat to see if you had even touched anything. the case of coke was gone. thank goodness you did get that taken in.
a part of me filled with a spark of happiness. the car was such a mess that there was no way you had taken her out in that. my hopes filled with thoughts that you hadn't seen her this weekend. that you had just stayed home. you don't drive your work truck around town. now of course i know that there is the possibility that she had come and picked you up. after all, if she had her kids for the weekend she would probably need to drive with their car seats in her car. likely you didn't stay home. but i don't care...i'm still going to be ignorant and think that you didn't go anywhere with her.
all evening i've thought about us. what if you did come to me and apologize, ask my forgiveness, tell me that you really truly do love me? what would i do? how would i react? i would take you back. you and i both know that. i wish i wouldn't. i wish that i could be over you. i wish the hurt would've been more so that i could be angry with you. but truth is, i feel so guilty. i wasn't good to you like i should have been. if i would have been, then i know that you would've been even better to me.
you know when you stole a piece of my heart for the first time? i had been having a rough week. you knew it. school was stressful. finances were stressful. life in general was just a bit much for me that week. friday afternoon while i was riding the train home, you called me and told me that once i got home i had 20 minutes to get a bag and you'd be at my house. you wouldn't tell me what exactly was going on. when we got in the car, you informed me you were taking me on an adventure.
it was so exciting. i remember staring at you in the car as you were driving us to pocatello, id. i was thinking just how cute you were. how fun this was. we did have fun. minus a little outburst from yours truly. (which is the one things i regret most in my entire life) then the next day you took me golfing for the very first time. i was so nervous. i had no clue what on earth i was doing. you just smiled and put up with me. i had so much fun. you did get my mind off of things that weren't worth worrying about at the moment. you showed me that there are other things to enjoy.
oh, i want to go on another adventure with you. i hope that our future holds many more adventures for us.
i love you.

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