Sunday, July 10, 2011

day 16

my wish for today is that we could be friends. crazy right?!
i think can we be friends? after all that we've been through, friends? really?
but as far fetched as it seems, that is my wish.
we started out with more interest than friends, however because of circumstances at the time, we couldn't have that interest and we turned to a great friendship. i miss that friendship.
i miss you.
likely it wouldn't work out being friends, but it's a nice thought.
yesterday while visiting with my friend k, you and i got brought up. i forgot that she didn't know anything that has happened between us. i told her that we were no longer together. i told her what happened.
as i was telling her my heart ached for you. i feel sorry that you are so lost that you just have to be with someone. you couldn't break up with me until you found someone else. i've been there. you just don't want to be alone. so you hold onto something, even if it isn't the best until you can find something better. it's not a good place to be.
i really do feel for you. i want you to be happy.
i don't know what happened with "her" the other night. she made it sound like she was going to end things with you. if she did, i'm sorry. i know you don't want to be alone. if she didn't, i'm also sorry. sorry that you are with someone who likely won't be around for long.
a part of me wishes that you would just contact me again. that we can fix things...but honestly i know that it wouldn't be good. it would be hard.
another part of me is so relieved that you haven't. i would feel so second rate. that you only come back because the other didn't work and that you just don't want to be alone.
i feel anger. and i don't know if it's really anger. but that's the only term i can think is close to what i'm feeling. i just keep thinking how good things were and then within 2 weeks you take her and her kids to california, and try to pit stop in st. george to stay with your family.
i just don't get it. don't you realize that makes you look like a fool? you take me to meet your dad's family and then 2 weeks later have another girl with you going to cali...hmmm...just don't get it at all.
i thought you were a genuine person. that you were in it for the long haul. you often told me you were done playing games. done fooling around and that you were looking for that person to spend the rest of your life with and when i would have doubts you would assure me that you were in it because you did love me. that you were dedicated....i believed you. and then you go and do this big old's such a slap in my face.
as i sit here writing this, releasing these feelings from me, i then immediately turn to sympathy and sorrow. i love you so much.
i want you. i wanted you to be my divine ideal. i wanted you to be that man who sweeps me off my feet. who loves me unconditionally and accepts every part of me. and i believe that you did for a little bit. even though i know i drove you crazy, i know that you also loved me regardless of all my flaws.
time will heal all wounds. time will make me whole. with time i will become that girl you saw inside trying to make her way out, but was just too scared. now is my time. i'm going to take it. i'm going to enjoy the journey.
i'm going to take in my surroundings, realize my blessings, and find my focus and direction.

today i realized how present god is in my life. he loves me. he blesses me more than i ever realized. god sends people to help me. to say kind words to encourage me, to give me hope, to remind me that i am worth it. god also sends me trials to strengthen me. he knows that i am strong and that i need to be stronger. he is helping me to become the best trichelle i can be. i am so thankful for his faith in me. i am so thankful that he reminds me constantly of his love. i'm slowly building back my relationship with him. it feels more amazing than anything i have felt before.
god is good. life is good. i am good.

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