Wednesday, August 31, 2011

day 68??

since i've last written, we've spent so much time together. i guess i felt like i didn't need to write anymore...
but now here i sit, tears streaming down my cheeks...for you. why??? i hate this. hate it so bad!!
things have changed so much since the last post.
you've been there for me, when i really needed someone...and thank you!
but then because of that, we did something that we never should have. it was so bitter sweet. still is...i don't know how to explain it.
since that afternoon, my world has been rocked...i don't know which way is up, down, or sideways. i'm all sorts of confused. i long to talk to you about all the feelings, emotions, and happenings...but the time just never seems right.
when i went to cali, m and i talked a lot about it, and we both came to the conclusion that i needed to talk to you about everything. get the air cleared...then you called me that the middle of the night...after i drowned myself in beer.
the first words out of your mouth were "tell me you love me" seriously? seriously??? why? you know that i do! i argued with you about it for a minute then i blurted it out. i confessed that of course i still love you. then i don't know what was said, but i unleashed on you. i yelled. it wasn't right of me. not the proper way to face the issue...but honestly i needed to get some things out and i believe that is the only way i could have...i still have so much to talk to you about, and look at me, a big fat coward.
what am i afraid of?? losing you?
i think that is it...and i don't know why. for one, you should'nt get mad at me. for two, i've lost you once and i survived, i can handle it again. for three, whatever is meant to happen is going to happen regardless of me talking to you and being honest; if we aren't meant to be, we won't.

every time we are together, there comes a moment when i think of her. i compare myself to her. i wonder how you would be if i were her. i wonder how much fun you had with her. i wonder what looks you gave her, the way you touched her, the way you talked to her...AND I HATE THAT!!
people say that you can forgive but you don't have to forget, well i disagree! i believe forgiving is forgetting. and i thought that i had forgiven you. but apparently i haven't because i can't seem to get you and her out of my mind.
oh it hurts so much. i wish there was a bandaid that could ease the pain. some pill i could pop on my tongue to make it all go away.
when you don't call me back when you say, i instantly think it's because you are talking to her. when you change plans on me, i assume it's because you are planning something with her. i can't go on like this. it's torture for me. i know i'm doing it to myself...but i can't help it. i tell myself over and over that you aren't that type of person...but you DID do that to me! you did hurt me! you did lie to me! you did betray me! deep in my heart i don't believe that is who you are, but i can't seem to let go of it.
last night i was talking to A...i don't remember what was said, but she'd said something and i commented and then she said "oh trichelle, you really do love him, don't you?!" she then told me that she knew that i did love you but not to that extent.
i do love you. i love you so much. so much that i sit here torturing myself. regardless of my love for you, i have learned to love myself. i have learned that i do deserve happiness...and that is part of what i need to talk to you about.
you make me happy on so many levels, but i want to be completely happy. and in order for that to happen (with you) some things definitely need to change. on both our parts.
hopefully we'll TALK soon!

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