Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Day 5

i'm amazed to say, today was better, better than the past few days have been. i got my closure finally. last night my heart finished breaking. it hurt, oh how it hurt. i can't even explain the feelings i felt. but i must admit, while it was terribly painful it was such a relief at the same time.
it broke entirely, which means all it can do now is empty out. rid itself of all the hurt and pain. then it can start to heal.
when you finally spoke to me i did what i knew i shouldn't...i asked for another chance. i knew what your answer would be, but i couldn't help myself. i cried harder than i think i ever have before. why?
i'm not quite sure...yes i love you. yes, i believe we are not through with each other. yes, i will miss you terribly now knowing that it really is completely over. BUT despite all those things that were wonderful, i wasn't a truly happy person. and truth is, that has nothing to do with you. it all lies in my hands, on my own shoulders. happiness comes from within. now it is time for me to take care of myself. i'm scared but know this is what i have to do.
after fighting tears all day at work and even letting a few sneak out, i realized i don't want to feel that everyday. i want to be happy. i deserve that much. i don't want to rely on you to make me smile. i can do it on my own.
you meant so much to me. you showed me light and carried me many times towards it, but now it is time that i take myself to it. you can not always carry me as was proven. you got tired and had to give up. i understand that. i really do. it doesn't take away the pain or anger that i'm feeling, but it does give me strength and courage to go forward. to allow my heart to be broken and feel everything. no more numbing myself to these aches.
she is simply one of the most beautiful of god's creations. it intimidates me, angers me, and scares me.
i stare at my reflection and find it nearly impossible to see any beauty. but you know, it also motivates me to start taking better care of myself. i know i can step it up and take better care of myself. i know what i need to do.
while thinking of the personal physical changes i want to make, i also thought about my possessions that i need to take better care of. my car, my yard, my house. i'll admit when i was with you i had expected you to help...often you did and we would talk about how we could improve the yard and things in the house. but now it's all on me. i cannot expect anyone else to help me, i can do it on my own. i look forward to doing it and patting myself on the back when i succeed.
i can do it. i will do it on my own. i am strong.

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