Thursday, June 30, 2011

day 6

not one single tear was shed today. it felt good. however, you still consumed my every thought. my lips long to sweep across yours. my heart still aches but life will go on. i am aware of that. i try not to miss you, but there is no denying you were my life.
last night i was lonely and did something that i didn't really want to, but i needed a distraction. i contacted b. you know with him, i never know how the conversation will go. sometimes (usually) he builds me up with the nicest and most sincere compliments and makes me feel beautiful and desirable. other times he gets his little jabs in but tonight i figured it was worth the risk. anything to get my mind off you dear tj. b and i text 3 or so times and then my phone rang. it was him. i should've been so happy. last year i got so excited when he'd call...but that was all before you. the entire conversation i just kept wishing he were you. that it was your voice i was hearing. that is was your jokes i was listening to. but he's not. no one is. regardless of me hoping and wishing it were you, it was still nice to talk to someone.
the conversation was the good kind. he complimented me over and over and shared how strong his feelings had been for me. i needed that last night. after staring at her beautiful pictures and feeling so inadequate it built me up a little.
i realized God really is looking out for me. he doesn't want me to be so hard on myself. he knows that i can get a bit extreme. he sends people like b and others to help me stay afloat. my friend at work sent me this text when he left "such an attractive woman! makes it really hard for me to focus. owww-owww!!" See god knew today was hard for me. he doesn't want me to crash all the way. he looks out for this girl.
this afternoon i took off work early to get the final divorce papers filed from j. didn't happen. j has to file something before they will take anything from me...such a mess. but good news was that i still had so much time in my afternoon. i decided to take the kids to the movies. i was so excited to do this with them until we got there. you are the only person i ever went to the movies with. as we walked in memories of you flooded my mind. i was scared that i'd see you...with her. it was very unlikely considering the time of day, but one can't help but still be afraid. every girl i saw i had the urge to stare at to see if it was her. i was constantly looking over my shoulder. i dread that day when i see you two together. it will be awful.
a confession:
this afternoon i called you, you didn't surprise me by not answering, but what did surprise me was when you returned the call. i put on my happy voice, which wasn't really forced, i really was in an upbeat mood....maybe because you were calling me back. i lied, i told you i had accidentally called, apologized and tried to get off the phone quickly. your voice wasn't the happy tj that i know. it was soft with a hint of sadness. i asked if you were ok and then had to quickly get off the phone when you said you were. your voice, just the sound of it made me ache for you. i just wanted to hold you, listen as you told me about your day, and then snuggle up on your shoulder as we drifted off to dreamland.
i must admit, a part of me was happy or relieved that i didn't hear complete happiness in your voice. i'll be honest, i don't want you to be happy with her. i want to make you happy.
as i got myself into bed tonight i had a strong feeling that you do miss me. i'm certain it's just my high hopes, and if by some chance i can feel something that you feel, i'm sure it's just guilt. if that is the case i don't want you to feel guilty. if it wasn't there anymore for you, it wasn't. you can't feel guilty about that.
a truck just drove done my street. everytime i hear a vehicle, my insides get all twisted and full of hope that it's you. coming to hold me. to apologize. to tell me it's over with her. that i am the one you love.
each time i pull in my driveway i wish so badly that i'll see your truck in front of the garage. but it never is. which i truly believe is for the best.
my friend was listening to me cry the other night and pour out my feelings. she reminded me that every person comes into our life for a reason, to teach us something and once that is accomplished we can part paths. i believe this with my entire soul, however i just can't bring myself to terms with it just yet. i don't want to believe that all those feelings i had for you were just for this time, it felt like so much more. i don't want to believe it's entirely over. truth is, i believe to my core it isn't. my family and friends will call me crazy...tell me that i just need to accept the fact that it's over and move on, but they don't know what is inside, they don't know about all those "weird" things we had happen together.
when d told me our marriage was over i knew deep in my heart he was right. the pain was unbearable at times but there was no denying the truth. i fought it, but i will never forget the feeling and the weight that was lifted off my shoulders that night he sat me down in the living room.
With j, it wasn't as strong of a feeling as with d; maybe because i was the one who had to take charge and end it, but when i would pray i knew it was time to end it. i was a mess with this one, i don't like breaking someone's heart. i didn't want to cause pain, but it had to be done (just like you probably feel with me) but once again, deep in my heart i knew he wasn't the one for me. then there was b. my heart was crushed when things ended with him. i was full of anger and hurt and i cried a lot. but yet again, my heart told me it wasn't right.
why can't i feel that way with you? why doesn't my heart just let me know? i pray all day long everyday to have that confirmation that it is over. and i just don't get it. am i seriously being so damn stubborn that i'm blocking it?
maybe just because i feel that we aren't over, doesn't mean that you will every be in love with me again. i know it could mean that we will just become friends. although at this point i don't much care for that thought. i'm still too in love with you to want to settle for just friends. but then i guess friendship is better than nothing.

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